Always [4 - Twins Series]

65 - Instagram

Date: October 9, 2013

Liked by iansomerhalder and others

alyssa.r_williams I needed something to post while I work on this long speech, so here ya go ^^
So, here goes nothing...
Yes, the rumours are true. Yes, this isn't the first time. No, I didn't mean for this to happen.
I know how much of a dumb hypocrite I am, okay? I tell people that they are gorgeous every single day, despite their insecurities, and yet I can't find any beauty in myself. It's a painful feeling of envy and sadness... that I could never wear a bikini without feeling how flat my stomach was. If it wasn't flat enough, I would throw something over my bikini.
That was just how things went, I guess.
I truly admired how confident Kristen was when she posted that bikini pic. She looked so unbelievably stunning that I was in total awe! She was body shamed while looking like THAT? I didn't understand how people could ever think such a beautiful human was anything but perfection.
Me, on the other hand? I've never been body shamed, I've never been insulted, and I am told daily how beautiful I am by all of you guys! But I just don't seem to WANT to believe you, for some strange reason.
So... I did return to my past struggles. I wanted to do it for you guys, in a way. To show you that I could do it! I could be model material if I tried. I could be beautiful, I could! I tried and I tried, weighing myself daily.
Eventually, I became my targeted weight that I had been aiming for for weeks. I should've been overjoyed, right? But I wasn't. I started a new target. It was a big mistake, because once I started, I couldn't stop. And before I knew it, I was just skin and bone.
I know that I have so many people that can help me through this, and so many people have! I am especially so grateful for @nikkireed, @iansomerhalder, @imsebastianstan, @phoebejtonkin, @craccola, @mr.danielgillies, @kristentaylor, @claireholt, and the rest of the tvd and to cast that have been nothing but supportive!
And with their help, and your help, I know that I can heal from this. It'll take time and patience, and some occasional slip-ups, but I am certain that I can be back to a normal, average-weighing girl in time.
Will you help me?
If so, I am immensely grateful for all that you guys have done to support me through this! It took a lot out of me to even want to open up to you guys so soon, but I knew that it was time.
From this moment on, my dm's are open again!
Just please don't spam me, thank you xxx

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