What He Feels

-5-

The smile on his face faded. Akala siguro niya ay tatanggapin ko siya with open arms. Well, I am not stupid. I totally understood it when he said we weren’t meant to be and that he was just a waste of my time. He was. Up until now, he is still wasting my time.

“I just wanted to apologize for leaving you.” He spoke slowly. I know he was being careful with his words. Well, being careful isn’t the key, right now. It’s getting out of my sight.

“Okay?” I crossed my arms against my chest. “That’s all?” I asked again.

He sighed heavily. “Dans, I want you to hear me out this time, okay?” His voice is pleading. And then what would I get when I heard him out? Does that even change a thing?

I didn’t respond. Perhaps, half of me wants to hear him out. The other half of me wants him to just leave now.

“I’m sorry for leaving you and for telling you those things.” Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Why must it always start with sorry? Sawang-sawa na akong makarinig ng sorry.

I shut my eyes and tried to calm myself. Nanginginig ako sa sobrang inis. Nanginginig ako sa sobrang galit. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil kahit na galit ako sa kanya, nandito pa rin ako – sa harap niya, nakikinig at handang makinig sa mga sasabihin niya.

“Ayokong saktan ka,” he continued.

“That’s what they always say, CK.” I spoke. “Lahat ng tao sinasabi ‘yan. Gasgas na ‘yan. It’s just an excuse para hindi mo isiping masama kang tao dahil nang-iwan ka ng taong nagmamahal at umaasa sa’yo. Don’t fool yourself, Clyde. Alam kong alam mo ang sinasabi ko.”

He didn’t speak. Siguro ay naisip niyang tama ako. He was just using it as an excuse because he couldn’t admit that he is a bad person for hurting the innocent.

I loved him so dearly and what did I get? “We were not meant to be, Danielle. I’m sorry I’m just a waste of your time.”

God knows how I hated to hear “time” after telling me that damn line.

“I had to end things between you and me,” here he goes again. He badly wanted to clear his name. He’s pretty much destroyed for me. Sinaktan na niya ako minsan. Hindi na ako tanga para isiping hindi na mauulit iyon.

He sighed. “The offer in Japan was my dream. Hindi madaling humindi sa pangarap, Danielle. I was dreaming of it since I was a kid.” He told me.

“So you chose to hurt me for your dreams?” I commented. I wanted to laugh at the direction that this conversation is going. Seryoso ba siya sa mga sinasabi niya?

He shook his head. “At that time, I did it for the best.” I scoffed when I heard his response. He did it for the best. So, it was best to hurt me that time. Now, I don’t really know where this conversation is going. Kailangan ko ba talagang marinig ang paliwanag niya?

“Ang sabi ng agency ko, I would stay in Japan for good. Hindi na ako makakabalik sa Pilipinas.” He told me.

I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Well, that was the original plan. I would stay in Japan for good.” He spoke. “But it didn’t go that way, Danielle. That’s why I’m here, in front of you, begging for forgiveness.”

I waited for his next words.

“I thought I had to break up with you because I didn’t believe in long distance relationships. I’m all for skinship, Danielle. I can’t do relationships through Skype or Facebook or FaceTime or whatever kind of social media network it is.” He looked into my eyes. “At isa pa, naduwag ako. Natakot ako na kapag iniwan kita, bigla ka na lang mawala sa akin. Bigla ka na lang may mahanap na iba.”