𝐃𝐘𝐍𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐘 ── 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒛𝒚 𝒓𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒂𝒏𝒔. ✔︎

𝟬𝟬𝟵.

RAMONA WAS SILENT DURING THE FUNERAL. In front of the carved lotus blossom fountain, Su Yi's simple black teakwood casket rested on a marble dais surrounded by orchids. In a nearby alcove, She, Nick, their parents, and many members of the extended Young clan stood in an informal receiving line. Nick was dressed in a white button-down shirt with black trousers, and Rachel noticed that all the men present-Nick's father, Alistair Cheng, and a few other of her family members-were dressed in the same manner.

She was hugging Lucia Shang and was just about to greet the president of China when she saw her husband with two au pairs who were carrying her twins approach her. She quickly stepped out of the receiving line and dashed to him. "Darling!" she said, bringing him into a hug.

"Oh my, did you just diss the president of China?" Theodore asked, as she kissed each baby on the head.

She turned back to her husband, "Did I? Oh well, who cares? You're far more important." Ramona laughed, and taking Theodore by the hand, led her to the receiving line and announced proudly, "Everyone-my family has arrived!"

Theodore kissed her lips, "I'll go and pay my respects to Ah Ma,"

"Of course," she said. They walked up to the casket, which was surrounded by exquisite orchids in delicate celadon pots. "My grandmother was most proud of her prizewinning orchids. I don't think I ever saw her happier than the day the National Orchid Society named one of her hybrids after her."

Theodore peered into the casket a little hesitantly, but she was surprised by how splendid Su Yi looked. She lay majestically swathed in a robe of shimmering yellow silk intricately embroidered with flowers, and her hair was crowned by the most spectacular Peranakan headpiece made of gold and pearls. Theodore bowed his head for a moment, and when he looked down at Ramona, he saw that her eyes were brimming with tears. Placing his arm around her waist, he said, "She looks very peaceful."

Before Ramona could reply, a strange, whimpering sound could be heard echoing from one of the alcoves. They turned to see Alistair and his father, Malcolm, holding up a frail man as he limped toward them slowly. The man was her cousin Eddie, and behind him walked his wife, Fiona, and their three children, all dressed in matching black linen and silk bespoke outfits.
"Kaiser Wilhelm has arrived," Oliver pronounced, rolling his eyes.

Eddie collapsed into a heap dramatically at the foot of the casket and began to convulse and emit deep, hacking sobs. "Ah Ma! Ah Ma! What will I do without you now?" he wailed, flailing his arms wildly, almost knocking over one of the orchid pots.

Felicity Leong whispered to her sister Alix, "He better not break any of those vases! They're worth a fortune!"

"What a devoted grandson!" the president of China observed.

Hearing this, Eddie cried out even more bitterly, "How can I go on living, Ah Ma? How will I survive?" Tears poured down his face, mixing with lines of dangling snot as he continued to prostrate himself beside his grandmother's casket. Eddie's two younger children, Augustine and Kalliste, knelt on either side of their father and began to rub his back soothingly. He elbowed the kids quickly, and they started to cry on cue.

Standing at a distance, Alistair whispered to Peik Lin, "I guess we didn't need to hire any professional mourners."

"Well, your brother can certainly do this professionally! The kids are doing a great job too."

"I'm sure they were forced to rehearse a million times," Alistair said.

Eddie suddenly turned around and glared at his other son. "Constantine, my firstborn! Come! Give your great-grandma a kiss!"

"No fucking way, Dad! I don't care how much you say you'll pay me, I'm not going to kiss a dead body!"

Eddie's nostrils flared in rage, but since everyone was staring at them he simply gave his son a big you're-gonna-get-your-ass-whupped-later smile and sprang up from the ground. He smoothed out his Mandarin-collared linen suit and announced, "Everyone, I have a surprise in honor of Ah Ma. Please follow me."

He led the group of relatives out to the walled rose garden that bordered the east wing of the house. "Kaspar, we're ready!" he shouted. Suddenly, a bank of floodlights illuminated the darkened garden, and everyone gasped. In front of them was a three-story structure made out of wood and paper. It was an intricately constructed scale model of Tyersall Park, with every pillar, eave, and awning painstakingly replicated down to the last detail.

"Kaspar von Morgenlatte, my personal decorator, had a whole team of artisans working on this for weeks," Eddie proudly announced, bowing to the crowd that had by now gathered in front of the house replica.

"I am not a decoratur! I am an interieur arkitect und art konsultant!" declared a tall, exceedingly thin man with slicked-back white-blond hair, dressed in a white turtleneck sweater and high-waisted white linen trousers. "Ladies und gentlemen, pleazzze pay attention! The interieur of this maknificent schloss opens up..."

Four equally blond assistants scurried out from the shadows. They unfastened a few hinges along the side columns, allowing the entire front façade of the house to open and reveal interior rooms that had been decorated to excruciating detail, but unfortunately did not replicate the real interiors of Tyersall Park.

"The walls are twenty-four-carat gold leaf, the fabrics are all Pierre Frey, the crystal chandeliers are Swarovski, und the furnishings are hand-krafted by the same people that did the set designs for Wes Anderson's Graaand Hotel Budapeshhhhhhhht," Kaspar continued.

"Good God, what an insult to Wes. This looks more like a Ukrainian bordello," Oliver whispered to Ramona. "Thank God it's about to be set on fire."

Ramona laughed. "I know you don't care for it, but don't you think that's a bit extreme?"

"It's such a...working-class custom," Oliver continued. "The families buy paper objects and accessories that represent aspirational things the deceased couldn't afford in this life. Paper mansions, Ferraris, iPads, Gucci bags.* But the paper mansions are usually quite small-like dollhouses. Eddie, of course, has to do everything to the extreme," Oliver noted as Eddie walked around the three-story house excitedly showing off all the objects he had commissioned.

"Check out her closet-I had some little dresses made in her favorite lotus silk. And I even had them make exact replicas of Hermès Birkin bags, so Ah Ma will have a good selection of handbags to use in heaven!"

The family members stared at the structure in stunned silence. Finally, Eddie's mother said, "Mummy would never use an Hermès handbag. She never carried a handbag-her lady's maids held everything for her."

Eddie glared at his mother angrily. "Ugh! You just don't get it, do you? I know she wouldn't normally carry an Hermès. I'm trying to give Ah Ma the best of everything, that's all."

"It's very impressive, Eddie. Mummy would have been touched," Catherine said, trying to be diplomatic.

Victoria suddenly piped up. "No, no, this is all wrong. It's incredibly tasteless, and what's more, it's extremely un-Christian."

"Auntie Victoria, this is a Chinese tradition-it has nothing to do with religion," Eddie argued.

Victoria shook her head in fury. "I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense! We Christians do not require worldly things in the kingdom of heaven! Remove this monstrosity at once!"

"Do you know how much I spent on this mansion? This cost me over a quarter of a million dollars! We are burning it, and we are burning it now!" Eddie shouted back as he gave Kaspar the signal.

"Wolfgang! Juergen! Helmut! Schatzi! Entzündet das Feuer!" Kaspar commanded.

The Aryan minions dashed around the structure, dousing it with kerosene, and Eddie theatrically flicked a long matchstick and held it high for all to see.

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare burn it on this property! It's satanic, I tell you!" Victoria screamed, as she ran up to Eddie and began trying to wrestle the burning matchstick out of his hand. Eddie lobbed the match onto the structure and it ignited instantly, the force of the flames billowing outward suddenly and almost singeing both their heads.

As the enormous replica of Tyersall Park began to be consumed by the fire, all the guests streamed out of the house and surrounded it like a bonfire, taking out their phones and snapping photos. Eddie stared in triumphant silence at the burning house, while Victoria sobbed on the shoulder of the president of China. Cassian, Jake, Augustine, and Kalliste ran around the structure gleefully.

"It's actually rather beautiful, isn't it?" Ramona said as Theodore came up behind her, wrapping her in his arms as they stared at the fire together.

"It is. I have to agree with Eddie this time-I think Ah Ma would have enjoyed this. And why shouldn't she have a Birkin bag in heaven?"

Carlton glanced at Scheherazade, marveling at how her hair seemed to glow the most spectacular shades of gold against the rising flames. He took a deep breath, straightened his jacket, and strolled over to where she was standing. "Je m'appelle Carlton. Je suis le frère de Rachel. Ça va?"

"Ça va bien," Scheherazade replied, impressed by his perfect French accent.

Breaking into English, Carlton said, "They don't have anything quite like this in Paris, do they?"

"No, they sure don't," she answered with a smile.

As the paper house and all the paper luxury accouterments smoldered into black ashes, the crowd began to make their way back into the house. Walking through the rose garden, Mrs. Lee Yong Chien shook her head and leaned over to Lillian May Tan's ear. "What did I tell you? Su Yi's body isn't even cold yet, and the family is already up in smoke!"

"This is nothing. Things are going to get far worse when they find out who will get the house," Lillian May said, her eyes flashing in anticipation.

"I think they are in for the shock of their lives," Mrs. Lee whispered back.