Where Secrets Lie (SOW #3)

08

Yael didn't stay longer. Pagkahatid na pagkahatid niya sa akin ay kaagad rin siyang umalis dahil may tatapusin pa raw siyang mga papeles at aasikasuhin ang mga harassers.

Now, I'm here at Yanah's condo. Nasa kwarto ako habang naliligo si Yanah. I'm currently holding my notebook. I bit the tip of my pen before I took a deep breath and started writing.

Today, we visited Tita Janice' grave. Inaya ako nina Lola and Jeon is there.

Tita Janice serves as my second mother kaya bakit naman tatanggihan ko ang paanyaya ni Jeoniel? Isa pa, Lola Sally asked me to join them.

Today, I talked to Tita Janice. In front of her grave, I told her things about me and her son. Sabi ko na hindi kami nag-work at baka imposible na ring mag-work. I just hope if ever I die, I would see Tita and I'll have the chance to apologize to her for inflicting pain to her son.

Jeoniel pretended that we are okay in front of Lola Sally. Hindi pa pala niya nasasabi ang tungkol sa nangyari sa amin. In Lola Sally and Lolo Bert's eyes, kami pa rin ni Jeoniel and how I wish, it's true.

The dinner we had was great not until Kath, my cousin walked in the door. Hindi ko inaasahan ang pagpapakita niya. Oo, alam kong matagal na niyang gusto si Jeoniel pero hindi ko akalain na kilala na rin pala siya nina Lola. Maybe, she grabbed the opportunity. Wala na kami ni Jeoniel kaya may pag-asa na siya.

It hurts. It pains me but, this is what I want.

When I was going home, group of drunk men harassed me. Nakakatakot dahil wala akong mahingan ng tulong. Not until I managed to run away from them by the help of the blinding light of a car. I thanked whoever the driver of that car. That person saved me.

Then, Yael came and took me to Yannah's condo. Another exhausting day that I experienced. I deserve a good sleep.

I signed my signature on the lower right corner with the date today before closing my notebook. Inilagay ko ito sa bag ko. Saktong pumasok si Yanah na nagpupunas ng buhok. She looks at me before walking towards the bed and sitting beside me.

"You wrote on your diary?" Tumango ako bago kinuha ang cellphone ko. I smiled bitterly when my wallpaper showed up. It's a photo of our hands, intertwined. The ring he gave me was proudly showing.

Funny how I make him believe that I don't love him anymore yet here I am, still holding on to our memories. Hanggang alaala na lang. Hanggang tingin na lang sa litrato.

"Don't you think you are making the both of you suffer? Hindi mo ba naisip na ikaw lang ang nagpapahirap sa sitwasyon?" I heard Yanah asked. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay nakita kong abala siya sa pagpapatuyo ng buhok niya ngunit ang tanong niya, alam kong para sa akin 'yon.

"Lorrie Jane, do you think... you're wasting your time here? Hiding about your condition to Jeoniel?" Her question gives a pang on my chest. Hindi ako nakaimik. I remained silent while thinking about it.

Am I making this more difficult? Pero, bakit gano'n? Gusto ko lang namang protektahan si Jeon sa sakit. I want him to not be miserable when I die. I can't leave like that.

"Lorrie, you aren't dying. I told you, magpa-second option tayo. I know someone who can check you up," saad ni Yanah. My breathing became rapid and before I knew it, my emotions came lashing out.

"Malignant nga ang cancer ko. You heard me? Malignant! Cancerous na! Kumalat na siya! Paano pa maagapan? Haven't you heard the doctor? I only have a year or less to live!" Sigaw ko. Hindi ko na rin mapigilan ang pagluha. My chest felt heavy. Everything is exhausting me. Gusto ko na lang magwala pero hindi naman ako pinagbibigyan ng bibig ko.

Malignant. My cancer is malignant. Cancerous na. Ibig sabihin, malaki na ang tyansang hindi ako gumaling. Malaki na ang tyansang mamatay ako. Second option isn't necessary. Heto na, na-diagnosed na. Ano pa bang second option ang kailangan? Kung magpapa-second option pa ako, pinapaasa ko lang ang sarili ko. Kahit bali-baligtarin, gano'n pa rin ang lalabas. May cancer pa rin ako kaya ano pang silbi ng pagpapa second option?

"Lorrie..." Yanah called me using her soft voice. Nakita ko ang lamlam ng mata niya bago lumapit sa akin. She held my hand and I noticed tears from her eyes.

Even my bestfriend is hurting.

"Lorrie... ayaw kitang pangunahan. Pero, ikaw na mismo ang magsabi na malignant na. C-cancerous na... kaya bakit mo pa pinapahirapan ang sarili mo?" She cried and I just watch her. "Bakit mo kinikimkim 'yang sakit mo kung pwede mo namang ipaalam kay Jeon?"

My tears fell as I shook my head.

"Ayoko... Jeon wouldn't know about this. A-ayoko..." saad ko habang umiiyak na rin.

"Pero, I'm just hurting for you. Bakit imbis na mag-isa ka, ayaw mong sabihin na lang kay Jeon? Para naman may karamay ka. Alam nating dalawa kung gaano ka kamahal ni Jeon. He loves everything about you and he'll accept everything about you. Bakit ayaw mong sabihin? Why don't you create more memories with him instead of hiding your pain? Why, Lorie?!" Yanah exclaimed. Pareho na kaming umiiyak habang magkaharap. I can see in her eyes how much she's hurting for me.

Ang sarap sa pandinig ng sinabi niya. 'He loves everything about you and he'll accept everything about you.' Masarap sa pakiramdam ngunit naalala ko na hindi na kami ganito. Jeon didn't love me anymore because he thought I'm cheating on him.

Kaya ayokong umuuwi sa bahay. Dahil alam kong nandoon siya. Manlalambot lang ako kapag nakikita ko siya at ayokong dumating sa punto na maiyak na lang ako sa harapan niya or worst... atakihin ako ng sakit ko.

Ayoko.

Yanah didn't asked questions anymore. Alam kong mali ang ginagawa ko at katangahan. Imbis na sulitin ko kasama si Jeon ay mas pinapakumplikado ko pa pero, may lamat na lahat. Jeon is mad at me, thinking that I cheated on him.

Yanah and I both fell asleep after we cried. I feel bad for making Yanah cry. I know, she's suffering from her boyfriend but, here I am, inflicting more stress to her.

I hugged my bestfriend. "Sorry, Yanah. I'm really sorry."

Despite the heavy heart, I manage to close my eyes and fall on my slumber.