The Sound of Her Heartbeat

12. The Confession

Jenny's pov:

Adam left, dude is pro at conversation for sure, left me with a good feeling at least. I am sitting here thinking 'should I tell Shay?'

Speak of the goddess, she is back. "What was that all about?" She asked.

I felt like teasing a bit, "Ah you know" I started to joke "he conceded his defeat that he lost you to me" and made a smug face. 

"Ooh damn!" Shay exclaimed "someone is feeling confident", we chuckled, The I asked "did he miss the meeting?"  

Shaylin: "Oh no, he is assigned another project, he'll rejoin from the next one." 

Me: "Ah okay.." 

Shaylin: "Yeah... alright, a few minutes then we gotta join the next session."

I started whining "Mmmh, naah, lets skip it, I don't want to... " 

"Bitch stop whining it's literally just an overview" She scolded me laughing "it's gonna be over soon". 

"Pff" I made an annoying noise, we started pushing-pinching each other's shoulders and stealing each other's snacks, we kept on our laughter and shenanigans for a while, joined the next session, then headed for home.

*At home*

Absolutely LOVED our walk! We went to the pier, hung out at Finny's, even talked about Adam. Although I made her skip over the intimate parts she tried to tease me with, had a laugh about that, she shared some of the good moments about him, then we walked home.

Haven't felt this normal and cheery for quite a while. It was all emotional shitstorms until yesterday. 

But it's not over, Adam is right, Shay does deserve to know how I feel. 

... After showers, we're hanging at the living room, she made some coffee and reading something on a magazine at the dining table. 'This is it' I said to myself, I got up and sat beside her. 

"Hey" she looked at me "What's up?" she asked holding my hand, smiling. She is wearing a flannel over a tee and pajama, so simple and yet so ridiculously gorgeous! 

"I think an explanation is long overdue" I started to feel nervous outta nowhere. I can see the confusion in her eyes, "about (cleared throat) why I'm the way I am, you know.. never went on a date, never liked anyone and only depended on you always for my um.. emotional needs."

Shay took a second, put down the cup and the magazine, "Honey" she sounds serious yet gentle "I don't mind for a single moment that you're emotionally dependent on me, never did, but I do worry about the other stuff... you never wanted to talk about it so I didn't push, but yeah, it IS long overdue."

We took a few moments of silence then she said "Jen, whatever it is, I'm right here, just trust me." Damn it, she looks so beautiful even in this simple indoor outfit that I'm getting even more jittery!

I nodded, "aha" said in a shaky voice. 'Say it' I am pushing myself in my mind 'just say it Jen' . 

But I can't, my thoughts are freezing, didn't expect to become this nervous, didn't even realize that my hands are frantically fidgeting over my legs, rubbing on them, my breathing is becoming erratic...

"Hey hey hey..." Shey grabbed me, "Honey relax, oh my god, are you okay?" She sounds worried seeing my behavior. 

"Breathe slowly, it's okay" she is trying to calm me down "you look like you're gonna throw up."

Honestly, it did feel like that a second ago. I suddenly said "I need some fresh air" then got up and went to the balcony. What the hell, why am I so nervous? 

"Jen" I hear Shay's voice, I turned around to her, she followed me, looking a bit scared, I feel bad for making her worried. She stood right beside me, looked at me for a second then said "Come here" she grabbed my hands, put them around her waist and pulled me in a hug, held my head below her clavicle.

"Relax" She whispered "it's okay". I can still hear her heartbeat faintly from here which is slowly calming me down. We stood there for a couple of minutes then she let me go.

"Okay, take a breath" She said "Look at me" I did... GOD her eyes! I could get lost in them! "Everything is fine" she assures me.

"But what if it isn't" I replied immediately, "What if you hate me if I tell you".

"Huh" Her mouth gaped open "After all these years you think I'd hate you for whatever you're feeling? Is that little how you trust me?" 

Her voice got slightly loud, justifiably so, I feel stupid for thinking that too. "It.. it's not like that.." I said, voice is breaking.

"Then what IS it?" I can sense the desperation in her voice. She is getting impatient, no wonder, it's been LONG enough.

Well, fuck it, here goes nothing... 

I took a few seconds, let go off the hug, took a deep breath, looked into her eyes, and said, "Shay... I love you."!

She didn't understand at first, "Wha.. Jen I love you more, what are you.."

"No shay" I interrupted her, "I am.. IN love with you, since the day I met you, I've been helplessly crushing on you, that's why I behave the way I always behave, my jealousy of whomever you date, why I don't want to go out with anyone else... that's what I mean, I... I love you."!

There, I said it, simple and straight. I'm looking down, somehow my breathing is getting normal, kind of feeling blank now.

I can see her eyebrows are slightly scrunched in confusion. I don't know what's going on in her mind or how she is taking it, but after all these years, after all that's happened, I finally confessed.