Tribulation [h.s]

29

"Wanting your love to come into me
Feeling it slow, over this dream
Touch me with a kiss, touch me with a kiss."

-

I never really knew who I was. I never had the chance to discover myself.

When I was younger, I was always looking for something more — something to satisfy whatever flame that burned within me. It was like chasing shadows.    

I knew, deep down, freedom was a figment of the imagination. However, that didn't stop my younger, more selfish self from chasing the unattainable — the unachievable. After mom died, though, I stopped hunting for the feeling of freedom I craved. I had more important things I needed to take care of.

I'm not mad about it. I've accepted my life for what it is, and it's not all bad. I found a purpose; I found a reason to stay. Yes, my life was flipped upside down when mom died, and though she never loved me, she did leave me something incredible.

My sister.

I vowed to protect Maggie, to protect her innocents, and to hopefully give her the freedom I was never bound to have. My step-father damned me, scarred me, ruined me, but his brutal reign ended with me. I won't allow him to ruin another little girl.

Out of the messy story of my life, there was only one thing I was sure of. I wanted to be different; I wanted to be better than the life I was thrown into as a child. I want to be good, not bad. I want to heal, not break. I want to smile, not cry. I want many things, and the first step is embracing change to attain those things.

Change is usually terrifying, however. It marks new chapters to life, and each page is filled with uncertainty. But, if I want to give Maggie a life of freedom and love, there has to be a sacrifice on my part. So, I'll change myself as many times as I need to keep her safe and whole.

Nevertheless, I never knew changing my hair would impact me so significantly. I feel different. I feel lighter. For the first time in years, I can finally look in the mirror, and I don't hate my reflection nearly as much as I did yesterday or the day before.

I feel like this is me taking some of my power back. Changing my hair gave me a sense of control and even conviction. When was the last time I held my head high?

My blonde hair was every hue from the white-spun sun with strands of golden brown hues, all married into short flowing locks and fringed bangs. My skin is smooth and even; my cheeks are defined – bronzed and grazed over with shades of cherry red. My lips are full and painted in a lustrous nude. My eyelids are dusted in soft hues of pink and gold with black winged liner, complementing the blue shades of my eyes.

"You look amazing," I see Candy's reflection as she stands behind me with a wide smile. "Wow, Allie."

"T-Thank you." I turn around in my chair and smile up at her. It's impossible to hide my bashfulness.

But the compliments don't stop there. When Des walks in, she stops dead in her tracks. "Allie, babe!" I smile nervously, giddiness twirling in my gut and chest. "Fuck, you look so pretty. I love the hair!" She flashes me a friendly, almost flirty smile when she sets her duffle bag down and starts getting ready.

"Thank you, Des!"

Jasmine is pinning her hair up when she grins at me as well. "You're going to be getting hella tips tonight, Als."

I would never have thought dying my hair would result in attention like this. "I just dyed my hair," I mumble and pick at my nails. "nothing else has changed."