Tribulation [h.s]

05

"Happiness is a butterfly
Try to catch it like every night
It escapes from my hands into the moonlight."

-

Addiction is a strange thing.

When you think about it, it's essentially a craving that becomes a chronic brain disease that can lead to devastating events.

When someone develops an addiction, the chosen substance will taint the bloodstream and reach the brain at some point, and when a substance enters the brain, that's when the real problems tend to appear. The brain experiences such powerful stimuli after a hit, users typically lose their sense of their impulses. Users unlock euphoric feelings and sometimes develop strange behavioral traits. They can become severely impaired, irrational, and sometimes even delusional. However, the high never lasts forever, and the brain knows that. Once the brain understands how stimulating something is, it never forgets. That's what makes cravings so dangerous.

It's probably why the chances of relapse are so incredibly high. A staggering eighty-five percent of users relapse after their first treatment. Addiction is an endless, vicious cycle, so I don't understand how people make quitting seem so easy. When the addiction becomes a distraction from something possibly much, much worse, it becomes your best friend.

Withdrawals are another part of addiction people seem to skim right over. It's devastating and so incredibly lonely. Sometimes, addicts may get to a point where they want to leave it all behind but, the withdrawals make it nearly impossible. It's something no one will truly understand until they experience it for themselves: body aches, cold sweats in the middle of the night, nausea,  vomiting, abdominal pains, insomnia, and a heart rate so fast you think your heart will leap out of your ribcage and bleed out on the floor.

Sounds like hell, right?

Now imagine that for two weeks. Okay, now imagine having a craving for the rest of your life, one that could easily send you spiraling and knock you down to your knees. Now imagine knowing that if you give in to that craving, all of your doubts, worries, and problems will disappear with a quick fix — a distraction.

It's fucking hell.

I would know.

This is the first cigarette I've had in about eight months. Honestly, I don't feel too bad about it either. When the smoke fills my lungs, my tense shoulders finally unwind and go slack, my eyes nearly roll back, and my chest feels warm. For a moment, I feel pleasantly numb, a familiar sensation for me. When you're numb for so long, it becomes the new okay. So, I guess, right in this brief moment, I'm okay.

I preferred Marlboro Reds. They're cigarettes that burn fast and have a rather sweet taste. They're unique — a little dirty is the best way to describe it — but they're dirty in a good way. They're strong too, and I can get my nicotine fix in under a minute if I suck hard enough. But, tonight my nerves on fire with anxiety.

I'm already on my second cigarette.

I needed this. This is the relief my body was searching for. There's a tinge of disappointment swirling in my belly when I think of Maggie but hey, smoking this box of cigarettes is most definitely the lesser evil of my other past addiction.

Let's not get into that.

My phone starts ringing in my back pocket. My Neck, My Back by Khia blares on the highest volume. I've learned not to be embarrassed about it anymore. I have the default ringtone for all of my contacts but one — Julie. One day not too long ago, the bitch thought it would be a good idea to take my phone and change her ringtone to, well, this.