TERRIBLE THINGS

five

"I..." Kova's voice was already broken as he pulled the little Smile closer. "I am never going back to that... that place."

Lilja pulled him closer as the girl in his arms stirred, lifting her head. She was a pale and fragile creature, her skin easily broken. Her dark hair was tied in pigtails and her eyes looked so... haunted and still wet with tears. She couldn't have been much older than seven or eight and Jase wanted to shoot her.

"Who... who are you?" she squeaked, looking from Kova to Lilja. "Where's Mama?"

It felt as though Kova had swallowed glass. "Gone... your mother is gone."

The girl's face scrunched up. Tears welled in her eyes. She sobbed and buried her face in Kova's neck. He probably... he probably smelled like her... like her mom. Kova's throat tightened. Lilja wrapped her arms around both of them, whispering words that Kova couldn't understand and did little to calm his ragged breathing. Actions had consequences. And sometimes when someone made a mistake, there was no forgiveness, no redemption.

For as long as Kova could remember, he had known he wasn't a good person. Everyone who was around him got hurt and the harder he tried, the more misery he brought. He ruined life after life, trying to do something good.

Why had he ever thought the ends could justify the means?

There was no excuse, no forgiveness, and no redemption. He had torn families. Stood idle while his sisters killed Red's puppets, while Jase killed this little girl's mother. He never was able to move until it was already too late. The mistakes were made and could never be reversed.

___

The night was cold and unforgiving.

Despite it only being the time of the smaller sun, Kova was shivering in his bed under the moon. Moon of the Maliks, or at least that's what the old stories said. There was no sleep for Kova as he stared out his window, silently mourning the death of a sister. He had not known Calia except on opposite sides of a war. But all Smiles were sisters, especially those from the same Family.

Curling his body into a compact ball, Kova prayed the Great Mother would forgive him. Prayed she wouldn't. He did not deserve forgiveness. He did not deserve the life that she had given him. Kova whispered prayer after prayer under his breath, in tongues so old they'd almost been forgotten.

He stopped when he heard the chirps.

They sliced through the frigid night, high-pitched and wanting. Kova stumbled to his feet. That sound... that sound was what young Smiles made when they were scared. It was a call for their mother.

Kova ran down the stairs, his heart pounding in his chest. He was still alive. He was still breathing. He still had a chance to do something good, even though whenever he tried, things seemed to turn out worse. But he had to keep trying because one of these days he was going to get it right.

Cracking open the door, the chirping stopped as wide, glassy eyes turned to him. The little Smile - whose name Kova didn't know - stared at him, surprised someone had answered her calls. Kova's body moved without instruction as he dashed across the room, wrapping his arms around her.

She sobbed into his arms, her chest rising and falling as Kova ran his fingers through her hair. A memory stirred within Kova as his aunt's fingers wove through his own hair as he lay sobbing in her arms. He could still recall the feeling of her chest vibrating, and the comfort that it had brought him.

Mimicking the noise, Kova offered a form of comfort that only a Smile could. Chimeras and humans couldn't make the sound that started in the back of Kova's throat and filled his chest with vibrations.