Rodrick Rules! - A Fanfiction

Chapter Twenty Two: The Confession

I wake up, Monday morning. First thing I'm hit with is an utter sense of dread but I don't really know why.

Oh right. I'm supposed to tell Rodrick about what happened to his door. Ugh. I cover my face with my pillow. Maybe I can just suffocate and die and I won't have to deal with any of this.

But since that's not a realistic plan, I peel myself out of bed and get ready to go to school.

The entire drive there feels a million times slower than usual. Each second ticking by oh so slowly, my heart racing faster and faster with guilt. Oh man oh man.

It was just a stupid mistake. A dumb dumb mistake that I wish I could take back forever. I wish I could just go back in time to prevent myself from even going to that party in the first place. Would've saved me a lot of heartbreak and headaches, too.

But that's not reality. Reality is me owning up to my mistakes because I can't take them back. I just pray to god Rodrick doesn't react too strongly. I can't lose him, I can't even handle the idea of risking that. But I have to do this. And then I have to try and make amends with Anya because I can't lose her, too. I'm so scared.

•••

I don't see Rodrick until period three. Probably because I didn't stop avoiding Rodrick until period three. I can't chicken out now. We get a break in between periods three and four so I have some time. Class just ended and he's in the same hall as me, so I go to find him. He's standing by the water fountain.

Uh oh. He does not look okay. His hair is messier than usual, but more like in a tired way. He's wearing his hoodie too, which is unusual for him. It's as if he's trying to hide himself from the world. He looks really.. sad. Maybe I should ask him what's up before breaking any horrible news to him.

"Hey, bedhead..." I say softly. He turns to me, and for a moment his eyes light up a little.
"Hey red, how's it going" he does a pathetic finger gun at me.
I shake my head, refusing to answer.
"How's it going with you, actually? Is everything okay? You seem a little bummed out." A little is an understatement.
He shrugs sadly. "I'm fine. Um, it's just that, my mom found out about the door because of my brother, and then about the party and now... now she's not letting me perform in the talent show anymore." He sighs. "Plus I'm grounded."

Oh fuck.

"Oh no. I'm so sorry." I say, and I mean it.
"Ah it's fine.."
"No it's not fine. You worked so hard on that performance, I know how excited you were to play." I say. The guilt crawls up my spine and into the back of my head, whispering terrible things. Which is why I have to tell him now.

"Val, really. It's okay, you had nothing to do with it.."
"But it's my fault!" My fists are balled up and they're shaking. I take a deep breath. "It's my fault."

He looks at me, confused. And surprised. But mostly confused.

"What.. what the hell do you mean, Val?"

Okay, no going back now. I have to do this.
I have to do this.

"I was the one who wrote 'Rodrick rules' on the bathroom door. That was me. I was drunk and it was a stupid idea, but I shouldn't have done it and I feel so so horrible about it." My face feels hot and there's a cave inside my chest.

"You what? Val, how could you?!" He looks mad now. Really mad. It's the first time I've felt him be angry towards me and I don't like it one bit.

Seeing him mad makes me want to crawl inside a hole and never be seen again. I quickly try to save myself and make my case when I blurt out "Well it's okay, you can just tell your parents it was me and I'll take all the blame, I can pay for anything you need to fix the door and-"

"Literally none of that matters! Don't you get it? I wasn't even supposed to be having the party in the first place and now I can't perform in the show! The only fucking reason they found out is because of your lame door stunt. You taking the blame isn't going to change anything, so stop trying to save your ass." He explodes.

I don't know what to say. I deserve this, I fucking deserve all of this. No tears now, only anxiety. I'm about to lose him forever. This is exactly what I was afraid of. Something primal in me decides to lash out in defense, and I can't stop it.

"W-well maybe it's a good thing! Maybe you don't deserve to be in that show anyway, with how shitty you've been treating me! I was mad! I was mad at you so I took it out on your bathroom door, just be glad it wasn't on you!"

He looks offended and scoffs "I would've much rather preferred it be on me, this is so much worse! Why the hell were you even mad at me anyway? What do you mean I was treating you shitty? Val, where is any of this coming from?? It just sounds like a wild accusation." He's getting kind of loud at this point and people are starting to stare. But I don't realize that until later.

I take a deep breath and just keep saying things without thinking. My words and mouth quivering. "Did- ugh, Rodrick did you ever think about how it might be hurtful.. to ask me about those girls? Rachel, and Melissa... I mean.."  I start to trail off.

What am I saying??

"What about them? That's what you were mad about? Val, I-I don't understand."

"I just... you understand perfectly fine, don't act dumb!"

"Val, you're gonna have to use your words I can't read your mind." He seems so fed up.

"I was jealous! Stop forcing words out of me, I was jealous, okay? Are you happy?" I'm shaking, god what a horrible way to have this conversation go.

Rodrick just stands there with a dumb look on his face. "Jealous..? Why would you be jealous?"

"Because." I sigh "because I like you. Rodrick, don't you get it?" I feel so pathetic. I'm starting to get a headache. All the built up tension in my skull finally decides to release into a wave of pain.

He's still standing there, silently. He looks hurt, more than anything.

"Val, I had no idea. I'm sorry..."
He walks up to me, closer.

Then, he looks me in the eye and says "but you didn't have to wreck my house and ruin my chances with the band. I honestly thought we were friends. Goodbye." His voice shakes. He looks like he's about to cry as he walks off.

The bell rings and period four begins.

•••

Today could not feel any worse. I don't know what to do now. I still have three more classes to get through, plus I have to find Anya and tell her what happened. God, if she decides to never talk to me again too then I deserve it. I deserve all of this, with my shitty behavior. I wish I wasn't so reactive.

I spend most of class thinking about all of this, but my brain just feels like a big ball of tangled yarn.

"Alright, Valorie you're up." My history teacher says.

"I'm what?"

"You're up. Your project, it's your turn to present." He says, waiting.

Oh hell no, all my homework. I put it off to the end of the weekend but forgot to do any of it, I was so caught up in my web of lies. God I'm an idiot.

"I uh.. didn't do it" I say and lower my head.

"Right, okay. Any reason in particular, or?"

"Yeah because boys don't make any sense and I'm a fucking loser, that's why" I blurt out.

WHAT. WHY DID I SAY THAT? TO MY TEACHER?

"Yeah okay, that kind of language won't be tolerated in this classroom, so I'm gonna-"

"Fuck.." I say again. Stop! Why won't I stop?!

"Yeah, detention it is." He says as he writes me up. Damn, he's one of my favorite teachers too.

"Yeah" is all I can say.