The Heart of Fear

X

C h a p t e r T e n
of"The Heart of Fear":

For every day that went, I could feel how my feelings grew stronger and stronger. Adam made me crazy, he set me free in a way I had never felt free before; free from stress and hurt, free from all controll. And I loved it.

He made me feel so many things; he made me feel like many things, he made me feel important and beautiful and intelligent. He made me feel like an angel, but I knew that Adam was the true angel. He had the laugh of an angel, in the way his eyes shut when he showedme his beautiful teeth, the way his eyebrows scrunched together and his velvet smooth voice made the whole world stop for a moment, then I knew that his laugh only could be the laugh of an angel. An angel I so desperately wanted to call mine. An angel that I so tightly kept in my arms, whom I would never let go of. An angel who meant more than the world to me.

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Gone. Adam was gone. I couldn't find him anywhere; not in school, not in the park, nowhere. I've dialed his number so many times that I've learned it all over again. Adam, Adam, Adam. I called him over and over again, but he didn't answer once.

I felt the panic rise inside my chest. I was afraid. Adam was never gone, and he wasn't sick often, either. Not enough to miss school.

My thoughts drifted to Adams coughing fits, he had started getting them more frequently the past week. Adam said it was the astma, and his many practices. Maybe he had to run some more tests or pick up more medicine? But then, Adam would have told me, right?

I decided not to think about it anymore, all I wanted was for Adam to come back. The most important question before I held him in my arms wasn't why he was gone, but that he was gone. I just wanted him here with me.

Saddened, I sat on one of the chairs in the kitchen. I wasn't hungry, even though it was time for dinner, I couldn't feel anything other than worry and grief. Oh, how I missed him.

An hour later, I heard how the front door opened and closed, and I threw one hopeful glance at the door, but when I saw my mother taking her shoes off, I turned my head down once again.

"How are you feeling?" My mother laid an uncertain hand on my shoulder, but I could barely feel her cold fingertips touching my skin.

"I'm okay." My mother's hand fell from my shoulder the moment my voice broke.

"Alexandra..." I shook my head.

"Alexandra, tell me." I shook my head once again before I heard how my mother dropped her papers and pulled me into her arms.

"Oh, sweetheart." I kept shaking my head, but I felt how my tense body started to relax in my mother's embrace. I had missed this, all those moments where it actually felt as if it was me and my mother against the rest of the world, when she wasn't working and I wasn't writing assignment after assignment. When it only was us.

When I felt how my mothers arms slowly let go of my body, I ran a shaky hand through my hair. I knew what she was going to ask, but I didn't know taht to answer.

"What is it with you? Why do you seem so sad?" Suddenly, it was Adam's arms that I felt around me, and the lump in my throat grew. Where was he? Had he come back, or was he still gone?

"I-it's about Adam, mother. He's gone." I swallowed, hoping that the lump would disappear, and that the pain in my heart would fade.

"What do you mean, honey?" I swallowed again.

"I haven't seen him at all today. He isn't answering my calls, and I've searched everywhere for him." I turned my head so that I was facing my mother. She blinked quickly with her eyes, and I could barely catch a glimpse of what seemed to be pain swirling around her irises before it was gone.

"Maybe he was home today? You told me that he was a bit sick a couple of days ago." I shook my head.

"Adam is usually never sick, and if he was - he would most certainly tell me. It's just the way he does things, by talking."

"Maybe he's just upset about something."

"He would tell me everything, mother. Everything." Mother sighed.

"Alxandra..."

"No, mother. I know that he would tell me everything, especially if it was bad enough to keep him from coming to school. We tell each other things like that." Mother nodded.

"I'm sure he's alright, and that his reason not to come to school is very good." I nodded. Adam's reasons were always good if they led to him not doing something he was supposed to do. It was something that I had learned, that Adam was the type of person who always wanted to finish things. He never did anything halfheartedly.

"I know..." I said.

"Is there something else bothering you?" I bit my lip slightly.

"It's just that...you know that I really like Adam, right?" Mother laughed.

"The way you talk about him? Of course I do."

"A while ago, when I told him that I was afraid of the great imply he had made on my life, Adam told me that he loved me." He had actually said it more than once now, I thought to myself.

"You don't know what you are feeling, am I right?" I nodded.

"I-I don't know what I should do. I like Adam, I really do. He means more to me than anything else, but I've never been in love - I don't know how it feels! How will I be able to know if I truly love him?"

"Alexandra, love isn't something you doubt. When you really love him, you will know. I can not tell you how it will feel for you when you're in love, it's a feeling that changes from person to person, but I know that when you've found someone to love; it won't be you that the world circulates around, but him. It's what love does, it changes you, it makes you open your eyes, makes you a better you. At least when it comes to the love that sparkles between you and Adam. " I felt how my cheeks reddened slightly.

"Thank you, mother. But I can't stop thinking about him." And I was grateful. I had finally gotten some answers to the questions about my feelings for Adam, and it was a big step in the right direction for me. In the direction of love, Adam's direction.

"It's okay. He'll come back." I heard how my mother whispered something more, but I was long gone in the world of daydreams, my thoughts swirling around the beautiful boy that I wanted to officially call mine.