Son of Night and Daughter of Stars

Chapter 45: The Cold

Estelle couldn't stop the tears any more than she could stop her running feet. As she raced down the castle halls, salty teardrops streamed down her face. She passed curious servants, but none of them tried to stop her as she sprinted like hell for the gardens. 

Outside. She needed to be outside. Fresh air would help. 

But the moment she was outside, her steps ceasing to thud against stone and now making a dull noise in the dirt, she wanted nothing more than to turn around and run back in. Run back to him, gods damn her. 

The restless energy in Estelle had no outlet, so she made one. She dropped to her knees beside a cluster of orchids and shoved her fist into her mouth, muffling her shriek of frustration and guilt and rage. Fire poured from her fist and stuffed itself down her throat, and though it didn't burn her, she coughed, choking on the thick smoke. It wound around her body, enveloping her wretched, horrible heart that she'd dared to open. Estelle couldn't find the energy to care what people thought, seeing her kneel in the gardens, encased in fire and smoke. She wished she couldn't care about anything. 

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?? She screamed at herself. You are the lowest of the low for forcing that on him. Why couldn't you have just kept back for once in your life??

She retched, expelling the last of the smoke from her throat. The fire around her died out, but it did nothing to calm her erratic breaths. If anything, it made it worse. She couldn't think beyond the tightness of her heart, the walls slowly boxing in on her vision as it blurred. She dragged her fingers through the dirt, leaving trails of blackened ash behind. 

Estelle heaved in a breath and thought it might be the hardest of her life. Alright. Calm down. Think. What just happened? 

"I kissed the male I swore I'd stay away from." She had to say it aloud. Otherwise, it didn't seem real. "I kissed Nyx." She bowed over her knees as her emotions threatened to crush her. "Oh, gods, I kissed him." 

She hadn't even meant to. He'd just been standing there, the fool, his eyes so full of gratitude and trust she hadn't stopped to think of the consequences. All she knew was that she'd wanted to, so she had. And it had been... everything. Wonderful and terrible and breathtaking and terrifying. 

She touched a shaking hand to her lips. She was such an idiot. She never should have shown her hand like that. She'd never-- never done anything like that before. She had tried to tell herself that he didn't feel the same way, no matter the kiss he'd given her cheek. But he had... he had kissed her back. 

Did that mean he felt the same? Did that mean that he felt as she did, that he felt that same rush of surety and calm and overwhelming emotion she felt every time she touched him? Or was it just a distraction to him? She didn't think so. He'd looked so... shocked, and beautiful, and... happy. Before she'd pulled away, before--

Stars above, STOP. She shouldn't even be contemplating this. She shouldn't have ever thought about it, or wished for it, or wanted it, much less acted on her feelings. She was setting herself up for heartbreak. Worse, she was setting him up for heartbreak. And she didn't think she could take that, knowing that someday she'd break his heart. 

She'd tried ignoring it. Tried ignoring the happiness she felt when he walked in the room, the peace she felt simply standing next to him, the restlessness that took over her mind when he wasn't there. Had he been doing the same all along, and she was simply too blind to see it? Or had she purposefully ignored it, because she knew how this would end? Or rather, tried to ignore it. Gods, she hated him as much as she cared for him. This stupid, obnoxious, lovely, beautiful male who made her want to do irrational things she never would have done before. Who'd opened her heart even after she'd taken such care to keep it shut, who made her want to follow the path it laid out for her, even if it held only pain.