nothing near clarity

Chapter 32

돈

What does it feel like to perform on stage and see your fans cheer for you? Would it be fun? Would it be overwhelming?

I let out a deep sigh, before smiling at the screen when Lisa sunbaenim's dance practice of Money was finally done. It was the third time I watched it, trying to master it in hopes of learning the dance as soon as possible. But as much as I wanted to do a cover of it, I know I'll just end up getting disappointed with the results, knowing all too well that it's so hard to do a cover of my sunbaenims' songs.

"You do know that the company will never let you dance like that, right?" I heard Eunkyung say from behind. I glanced back at her, but I didn't say a word. Of course, how can I forget how they talked to me yesterday, asking me to not do the "sexy" things in our group since it would be Hiraya who's going to do it. Besides, they told me that I was a minor. They gave me the role of being the "baby." As much as I hated it, I know I didn't have a choice but to do as they say.

"I hate my role," I whispered, before closing the ipad and going where Eunkyung was so that I could sit beside her. I don't even know why I had to act like the baby of the group when in fact I'm not even baby faced, and they know that I hate acting like a kid.

"At least you weren't given the role of being the "clown" of the group, right?" Eunkyung told me, bitterness laced in her voice and she might seem happy on the outside, but I know she was a bit hurt. The company basically told her to act dumb and funny, so that we'll have member who is like a "clown."

"Why do we even have to follow those roles? Can't we just be ourselves?" I asked, clearly irritated because I know I would be having a hard time acting like a maknae because it would mean that I would act like a freaking baby, a member who's dependent on her members, when in reality I am not.

"I feel like the only ones who aren't really affected by these roles are Nari and Mulan. Nari gets to be the tomboy and Mulan is the princess-like. It suits them well," Eunkyung opened up, and I couldn't help but agree. But, at the same time I feel kind of bad for Mulan, she has to act elegant most of the time, and would act like the "matured" and the one who should not talk much in the group.

"I hate this," I murmured, before closing my eyes and just resting my head on the couch.

I never knew that being an idol would be this hard. All I ever wanted was to perform on stage and see my fans cheer for me. I also never knew that we would be given these roles, I thought it was long forgotten to give idols those things, but I guess it's still present.

"So, we're really going to be fake on screen?" I couldn't help but ask. I hated how these roles are affecting us now even before we make our debut. It will be so hard. I internally groaned just thinking of the things that I'll have to do because of this stupid role given for me, and fuck, the amount of times I'll have to do aegyo.

"We have no choice, that's what the company wants us to do, Byul." I just gave Eunkyung a nod before standing up again to go and practice what I'll be presenting to our vocal coach this week.

I actually chose a Korean song, it being My Sea by IU sunbaenim. It would actually be my 3rd time to sing a Korean song for my solo performance, since I'm known to always use Western Music for my solo performance since that's where I'm more comfortable with. English is my first language after all, and Korean is my third since French is my second language. We were taught English and French as a child so it was something I have spoken in my early years.

"My Sea? Hard song." Nari, who was just done doing her rap solo performance appeared next to me as she looked at the ipad with the lyrics of IU sunbaenim's song. I chuckled before agreeing. Indeed, it was a very hard song, but I wanted to test myself to see if I can still do better. I can't just do what I have been doing for all those years, I need to show them that despite being chose I am still improving. I want the management to know that I will never stop trying to do my best in whatever I do, and would assure them that they wouldn't regret choosing me.