nothing near clarity

chapter 9

hi, because I haven't updated for a few weeks now, the timeline of this story is also moved to the present time, and there would be new characters too! i hope you wouldn't get confused! thank you! Long chapter ahead!

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There was nothing more satisfying for someone like me than to see my dance moves almost looking so perfect. I love it when I have this control over how my body should move. It was one of the reasons why despite the pressure they give me, I still love my life as a trainee.

Because I crave for control over my life. I love the thought of knowing what I should be doing next. It was the only thing that I can dominate, because aside from it, I have no control nor possession of anything.

Just my body. My talent. Other than that, I have nothing.

But today just felt so weird, my arms and legs just don't follow what my mind wanted it to do. I'm angry at myself as I'm looking at my reflection in the mirror. Why the heck can't I control my body? What is wrong with me?

Pathetic visual. Not even close to my other members. Useless.

I gritted my teeth and decided to dance more powerfully, thinking that by doing this it would stop the voices inside my head, since it would be replaced with the sound of my blood flowing inside my body as I dance my heart out.

The music was so loud, and I have my eyes watching my reflection, but my mind is clearly elsewhere. I can't stop thinking about what I read earlier. I shouldn't have read that article about our group. I should have listened to our manager, I should've just ignored it.

Pathetic visual. Not even close to my other members. Useless.

I screamed. Louder than the voices inside my head as tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. I still can hear the faint voices inside my head, and I tried to ignore them, I was really trying my best. And I know that I should ignore them, but it was so hard.

"What did I do to deserve this?" I whispered as I fell down the cold wooden floor of our dance practice room. I felt so pathetic, so small and lost.

The song kept on playing, but I just stay frozen on my spot as I hide my face in my palms to stop me from seeing my reflection.

I hate myself. Why can't I be like my other members? Why am I like this? Why am I always not enough? Why?

My chest tightened when I overheard some of the new staff members talking about me a while ago when we were still filming for a new episode.

"Isn't she a bit boring?"

"I know, she's too quiet. I can't believe she's in the group!"

"Yes, maybe because the company pitied her that's why they made her to be a part of the debuting team."

"Yeah, maybe that's the reason. But still, she's just a visual with no charm at all. I don't even see the talent they say that this girl possess. She might even drag the team down because of her blank face."

"I just wish that she wouldn't bring haters to the group!"

I took a deep breath as I try to calm myself because I'm in the verge of crying, but I always stop myself.