There Is More Light Than Dark

Chapter Ninety Four

Monday August 22

So here I am and there they are.

Those dopey fucking morons think they've got me cornered. Again.

You know I'd get sick of the insults they don't mean to throw at me if it wasn't so amusing. Just me and them - here alone, at last. When everyone else has come and gone and the fun of everything has started to wane.

And I wish Avery was here just one more time to sit with me and fuck.

And Georgina too.

I'd see everything they ever had in their eyes and still had to dream up ways to make it more interesting. Think of Doug and even of my father – Jesus, to think he's not even that now - and how none of them had any fucking idea of how they were being played like little feeble pawns in my grand game of chess. My theatre where they were all playing their part selling lollies or opening curtains and they were So. Fucking. Predictable.

Even Mason got boring and now I don't think I need him anymore, except to take the blame if something happened to go pear shaped here in the lighthouse.

The lighthouse. Jesus Mumma, why didn't you and I come here years ago, before any of us were hurt?

But I know you were hurt before I even came along. You were hurt a long time ago and that is why I'm here.

You know, I'm not sure if I'd known he wasn't my father whether that would've actually changed anything for me. He still hurt Mumma and he still hurt me. It desn't matter why. I never felt like I needed anyone else except for you, Mumma. You and this lighthouse and your beautiful singing, just holding me and stroking my hair and your warm hand on my shoulder, telling me everything would be alright even though it never was.

Just listening to me breathe and holding me and shushing each breath, soft and low, to stop the rest of the world coming into our part of it.

Just like I am doing with Lola now, even though she is struggling and she doesn't see what I saw; doesn't feel what I felt.

And now I can hear that voice from out there and I have to do what I have to do.

I have to keep things right for us, Mumma.

I have to make sure it is only ever you and I, together to the end and anyone who ever comes close; gets anywhere near me and makes me feel that way – makes me feel anything but what I need to feel for you – they need to suffer and pay.

Please, Mumma, forgive me if I hurt people again. It is only for you and for us.

It has only ever been for us.

It has only ever been us.