There Is More Light Than Dark

Chapter Sixty Nine

Sunday May 1

'What, so we just go on sitting here and not talk about it?'

Whenever Avery would get in a mood she would push me to argue; every fucking time. We both knew I did my best when I said nothing but that wouldn't let her get out what she needed to.

As I looked over at her just lying there on top of the bed I couldn't help but want her.

'What's to talk about?' She knew what I meant – that we both had decided in those five minutes after we stood looking at the bag of bones on the roadside that night that we were going to hide it all away.

And she had no fucking idea how good I was at that.

To be fair to her, I was impressed by just how instantly and emphatically she had come to the same conclusion that night. But now she was crying again and whimpering and it was like she was shrinking right in front of me, curling up into a wet ball of kid that wasn't going to make it.

And for all that I loved her I can't say I was surprised.

'It's just.... Done, Ave. Just done.' I let her go deeper inside herself and find what she needed to find. I wasn't pushing, just guiding. I needed it to be her idea.

'I know it's done, Vincent. It's been done for three weeks now and every minute of every day since then I can't stop thinking about it.' She sat up and looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes and her hair was just sitting there all soft and layered. I sat down beside her and held her hand.

She never said she had figured out who it was but we both knew. And to her credit I don't think she felt any worse than before she figured it out.

I knew her seeing him would have its benefits, in the end.

'I know, Ave, I know.'

'I need some... help.' Her big eyes found mine and pleaded like Dicken's Oliver. And she knew as well as I did that any help was only going to be temporary but at least it was relief and so I gave it to her just like she needed.

And after that we did all of the things I liked to do with her and to her and then she started to cry again and I knew that already she would ask for more.

And before she finally went to sleep that night she had started to talk about the only way we might both find peace, and it wasn't going to the police with information.

And I played along because I knew that was the only way for her, and she might as well think I wanted it like she did.

And when she had gone to sleep I started looking on the net for places and people in Italy that might make me feel more like I was going back to see my Mumma. I already had the name; Mumma had whispered to me through her muddy teeth in that hospital bed about how they were in Italy and I could find them if I looked hard enough.

A sister, a niece.

It was not so much a confession as a message. A clue.

A way out.

And right there as Mumma lay soaking in her bed I made a promise that one day I would find them.

But now, with everything that had happened since, it wasn't going to be enough just to find them; I had to love them.

Ave would find her place and I would help her if that was what she needed, but I would find what I needed far from her. I would go to places where they hummed falsetto remedies and patted the heads of their children. Where slow life still meant more than big TVs.

Where they sat on the grass and watched the sun move across their vines and understood that doing things slowly sometimes was the best way.

Where Mum's blood flowed through the veins of family she had long given away.

Avery and I would both get to the place that gave us peace but only one of us would find what we were looking for in the end.