There Is More Light Than Dark

Chapter Fifty Two

Tuesday August 9

I woke today and knew the feeling was different. Just like it had been before.

I used to worry all the time about never being good enough; that I would never find someone who would love me. Now that seems insignificant compared to the constant gnawing that I might lose her, just like I lost Avery.

Or that Valentina might discover the real me.

The me that made all of those mistakes. Those choices that had me clang like a pinball from one calamity to the next. But I'd manage that, if all of the little things showed themselves to me and she would sit and read and digest them and somehow find a way to hide her horror and dismay.

I could find a way through, if only she will do the same.

But you see, even as I say this I know she will not.

And if she ever got wind of that thing on the road and the planning and execution, well I'd run and weep and find a way to forget that I ever knew her, such would be my own devastation.

I have felt more alive than ever over these last few weeks, but the world is slowly shrinking and losing its colour. It's like the closer I get to the beautiful middle of my dream the less the world wants to share it with me.

And I look in the mirror today and the wrinkles around my own eyes are getting deeper and broader, as if my eyes have possibly seen enough for a lifetime. But still if I could make love to Italy right here and now I would.

And Chiara might see it, and still be proud of me.

Valentina sings just as she did, and her voice reminds me of those days rocking on her lap, just the two of us humming those arias.

I hope I can stay, and she too, and that Mason might see I can still be happy and safe.