There Is More Light Than Dark

Chapter Twelve

Thursday July 7

Avery looked at me as we started. She didn't cry anymore; I even feel like there was relief in her hazel eyes. The lights in them had gone out weeks ago as we started the long road to today. I'd only ever wanted to make it easier for her.

I started with a decent slosh of bourbon for us both. I knew I could have one or two and have a clear test by the time I'd be asked for one. We didn't clink glasses – she was on too much of a mission to get to her tablets. I made sure the second glass behind the lamp was ready and dry as I slipped the first one into the bag under the bed.

Avery might still look across and notice and I needed the glass the cops would find to be spotless.

Every time she pushed two pills out of the foil with her delicate white fingers I did the same. We had trust – we didn't need to watch each other do it. For the first few we'd look over at each other and smile just a little as we washed them down. My hands were sweaty for the first few loads but dried out as the bourbon took a hold and I could see Avery relaxing.

The Simpsons was on and we chuckled at half an episode before I saw her start to drift. I held her hand and started popping hers out for her, holding my hand out wide with the two little yellow or white pills in the middle. It was important I didn't put them in her mouth, that was obvious. I knew she needed to have a good lot of each of them but I'd lost count once she'd stopped looking at me push mine out of their sheet. Her eyes were droopy and sweet, that teenage drunk love look we'd swapped so many times coming back for a few minutes.

That made me cry a bit, but we couldn't stop now. She was so close now it hurt to think she might not make it.

I kept gently poking her to keep her awake until I knew it that wasn't going to be for much longer and reached for the dozen or so that I had kept in my hand. I tipped her head back with my hand on her hair and her mouth dropped open. She was sucking like she was dry so I tipped some water down and she swallowed it all OK. It was important she get enough stuff into her system so even if she spewed she'd still end up where she wanted to be.

We'd talked about that.

And twenty minutes later I was off out the front door with a backpack and my skateboard, clacking quickly down the back streets to get to the main station in time. It had taken a little longer than I had thought but I could still make it, get changed and come home like normal.

And before I'd left I kissed her on the forehead whilst she was still warm because I loved her.

Why didn't I just walk?