There Is More Light Than Dark

Chapter Seven

Thursday August 16

Lola looked at me in the fading wintery haze that almost always fed up the cliff to the base of the lighthouse. It was oddly comforting, like there was another layer of something that hid us.

Every time I looked at her, I saw her mother shining bright from within. Even though she was barely three there were mannerisms, inflections that spoke to Valentina. And this gave me great joy and comfort, but it also compressed the feelings I had for both of them. In some ways if I couldn't have them both it might have been easier to have neither.

She toddled over to me and put her arms out.

"Daddy, up!' It was at once a request and a command. And with her hazel eyes so bright I lifted her to my chest and held her there for a few seconds – she normally gave me a few before she would start to wriggle or explain what she wanted. She rested down onto my lap as a heavy shower started to whip into the lighthouse; the small, thick windows showing a running trickle to the south.

'Daddy, I hungry.' Any time of the day and that was a given.

'What would you like, sweetheart?' I asked although I could have guessed the first few requests on her list. We had grown a lot of our own food in the small garden on the west side of the farmhouse back in Belforte – fresh, wholesome and limited trips to the supermarket to some degree. And though she ate what we grew, they were rarely her favourites.

'Bikkie?' She waited a few seconds, pretending to play with the hard plastic elephant she held in her hand. 'Or chips?' Like a well-versed veteran she looked up at me knowing her closeness and the recluse of the lighthouse both made me happier. In time the relative safety I felt would betray me as the ghosts of Carlotta and Avery's father both continued to pursue me, even though the time and distance between what happened to Avery and Valentina grew longer. Time didn't heal all wounds, as it turns out.

And what a laugh if those cops happened to get to me too.

So, whilst I got the torn packet of Shortbread Creams off the top shelf and handed one to Lola it was Valentina who I imagined would be looking down smiling at how close we were. I missed a lot of things – her being with us and the fact that Lola would have to grow up without the warm, thoughtful presence that I could never provide – but most of the time I could distract myself. For most people loneliness and isolation would make that worse but for me I couldn't go to the post office or shops, even though I did that as sparingly as I possibly could, without seeing someone who reminded me of her. It might have been their olive skin, the way they moved, the perfume they wore – there was always someone who was trying to prise what I felt from where I'd stuffed it.

'Daddy, more?' Her little question from the floor, surrounded by half of the biscuit she'd already wrangled, brought me back. The shower had set in now and that cold Bass Strait gale beat against the thick walls – I felt like they gave me hope, bearing the brunt of so much for so long and going on, regardless.

'No darling, it's teatime soon. Sausages and vegies!' I didn't have the enthusiasm she needed to make that meal enticing but I picked her up and twirled her around, seeing her face light up and giggle.

'Daddy, stop! Daddy! Need a bikkie!' She gurgled as she swung around again. If this was to be the fourth test the world would have for me to try and take care of someone, to be responsible, I wasn't going to let her down.

I wasn't going to let that world impose itself on her; seek to take her away or make me choose.

No, Lola would be safe with me – I needed to show everybody that wasn't watching I had it in me to do that. And in doing that, only when that was clear, however long it took, I could show Carlotta and Avery's father that I was better than they thought, even though it wouldn't bring their daughters back.