Tribulation [h.s]

18

I think I'm losing her. That's no one's fault but my own.

Hearing her voice, though, might make me stop. 

The problem is, I don't think I want to stop.

With fumbling hands, I open the baggie and grab the three white pills. I could swallow them, wait for it to kick in, and enjoy the high for a few hours. Or, I could crush them and snort the crushed tablets and get high immediately.

From my experience, snorting amplified everything.

Yeah, I think I'll do just that.

I put the pills on the counter, grabbed a paper towel, and covered the three tablets before looking around for something, anything to crush them. When I find nothing, irritation wracks my bones. I end up using the edge of my phone to hammer down on the pills that I cover with a brown paper towel.

I guess that got the job done because when I pull the paper towel away, I see a white powder covering the sink counter.

Old habits do die hard, huh?

I brush my hair behind my ears, staring down at what I've done and what I'm about to do. The voices in my head won't shut the fuck up, but this will silence them. It always does.

Just do it. Just fucking do it, Allie. What am I waiting for? Freedom lies ahead, so why am I hesitating? Why are there tears in my eyes?

I know that relief is waiting for me. So, I close my eyes and try to remember the feeling. After taking a hit, the opioids would shatter my body before making me whole again—comfortably numb.

Just one small sniff. That's all I need.

The remembrance of the euphoria is too tempting. I've done enough convincing. I deserve something good after all this recent bullshit I've been put through.

But, the world fucking hates me, and I never get anything I want as perusal.

A loud banging has me nearly jumping out of my skin. The little bubble of self-loathing I created shatters and throws me back into the real world.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck-

"Allie? You in there?" The banging persists, and panic strangles me.

Shit!

"Uh, yeah. Just a minute!" I wipe the powder off the table and turn the sink on. I cup my hands to gather some of the water from the faucet before pouring it on the sink counter. Then I rip paper towels out of the paper towel dispenser and clean the mess I made.

The banging continues. "Are you okay?" You've been in there for a while-"

"Yeah, I'm good! Just a minute!"

I'll admit. This isn't my brightest moment. This whole night for me has been fucking pitiful.

I almost trip when I run to the door and unlock it. Candy stands there with a concerned look on her face. She's dressed in a baggy sweatshirt, black leggings, and dirty vans.

"W-we started closing, and then I realized you were gone for a while... I got worried." I blink at her. I've never heard her stutter before or look remotely nervous in my life, but here she is, speaking in a soft tone with her arms wrapped around herself. She looks me up and down with a slight, concerned frown but remains silent.

Jesus, how long have I been in the bathroom? The club is closing now.

Things are tense between us two, more so on my end. I've been ignoring her, and she knows that. She's been trying to talk to me all week, and I've come up with every excuse in the book to get away from her.