The Cruel Side of Hearts [COMPLETED]

Chapter 4: Walls of Dust

     What is life outside of Omen but a distant memory and a blur of faces? My lives seem to be tightly intertwined yet have no real connection. Sometimes though, It escapes the walls of Omen, and causes problems which only allow it to grow stronger.

     But enough about that. It  this It  that. What am I, stupid? (According to Ethel its an obvious yes but whatever) Of course it is not going to leave if I keep mulling over it like a lovesick dog (words curtsy of Ethel, not me). Here is the thing, I like omen. I like the Idea of projecting my spirit into a different realm and reinvent myself in a completely new environment. Yes sometimes that realm is quite unpleasant, but sometimes you feel like you deserve it, you know?

When I first arrived in Omen a lot of the details were burning. They made my head ache, which is why (at least I'm assuming) It has fiery eyes. It is still a physical projection of a thought after all. Well, semi-physical. Ghost-like. I don't even know but It  feels very real and I honestly do not wish to have a nice talk with it asking about every detail of it's putrid conscience. Or mine. I fucking hate that bitch sometimes you know? You tell yourself, as a person, you yell it and you threaten yourself. You say: "I am done with Ethel. She is nobody to me and I can just suck it up and listen for a few minutes to how she strikes at my ego."

     Yes at first It was like a good strict teacher and a very healthy dose of Karma. I understand that, I accept that, I move on. Well, not move on. I admit after I hurt Ethel outside of Omen I thought I was a monster. I thought that I deserved to have every bit of pain inflicted onto me that there is to give. I cried myself to sleep, whispering, and begging for her mercy, only to come  to the other side of the mirror inside of Omen. During those days It  was particularly vicious at chasing me around my head, trying to overtake my mind and defeat me. 

     As another fun detail, It did not always look like how it did now. Only recently have I been able to locate the most accurate view of it. Mostly It  appeared as multiple different creatures, sometimes a blur of red, sometimes blue. Sometimes a more realistic looking creature all-together. Another sad fact is that It  was with me right from the beginning.

     It  is a reaction. Whether it be playful desire, wrath, possessiveness or guilt it is composed of the strongest emotions my mind can conjure.  Afterwards it brought those feelings within. What happened between Ethel and I was difficult to process. She hurt me though I expected it to just be payback for what I have done to her. So I let her. Yet the other side of me wanted to tear her to pieces. I wanted her to stop. To return to what she was before. And times and times over she has given me hope, a hope that made me turn to it and laugh in its face feeling that it will disappear forever. She would build me up and break me down time and time again, an action so well crafted I thought she was helping me.

     Once...twice, multiple times I remember coming to her and confessing. Apologising, asking for help. Once I thought that her genuine forgiveness is the cure. A few times she told me I deserve it. A few times she told me to leave it. And once, only once I remember her telling me these words.

"I forgive you"

    Oh dear reader would I want you to feel the ecstasy that overwhelmed my mind. I felt like a mountain was lifted off of my shoulders. Every doubt I had about Ethel vanished and I instantly forgave her for every  pain she caused me. I felt relieved. I felt free, I finally felt like myself. After long weeks of torture in a dark corner of my mind this was the  best feeling. It felt like I grew wings and I could go back to the way it was before. To my dear, gentle and caring Ethel who I so missed. But that joy didn't last long.

     Perhaps you don't agree with me, but would't you think that forgiveness means ending the action of punishment? I would never count to have Ethel return to her previous state of self, that was too much to ask. But perhaps she would just let it go? Vanish?

     Perhaps our simultaneous presences were provoking to each other. While the heat of the flames went down the microaggressions continued, and every one of my words was heavily monitored. And at first I thought, fine, it's normal. She will end soon and we can act like strangers to each other. Before such a thought would have been a nightmare, but now It's a heaven that is too far out of my reach.

     Perhaps at this point it was my mind suffocating itself, but I have never been in a state as fragile as now. I couldn't make myself ask her to stop anymore. She rebuked every single one of my concerns, and every time I asked her to stop I was sent back with an uneasiness that only grew. It felt disheartening to be at the mercy of the one person that couldn't stand you. Whenever I came to her she reminded me of the tears she shed, completely oblivious of the ones my own two eyes have produced. I know that my own problems are only my mind's reflection of the pains that I have caused to her, but tell me, do i deserve to have it continue even after she is away?

     I have attempted to be amiable. I have attempted to be cruel. I have attempted to be distant, and yet nothing seems to be able to untangle me from this mess that my mind has become. I became terrified of Ethel, but the thing I was even more fearful of was It. Her name, her voice, her single presence became all that It needed to make an appearance. It became too risky, and the possibility of losing the sense of myself in a moment uncomfortably real. The only choice I had was to fade away, and ignore the side of me that still wanted her forgiveness. For a while, It became dormant.