Use Me Like a Drug

26: I Know I Love You

I don't know if I can handle living like that anymore. I don't want to live like this. But we can't live like normal people, not after all that's happened. It's impossible. God I've been doing fine until now. What's wrong with me?

"Yeonjunie?" Soobin poked the olders side, gaining his attention. "What's wrong?"

Yeonjun sniffled, reaching up to wipe his nose. He shrugged off the taller boy, shaking his head.

"Nothing, I just got lost in my thoughts." Yeonjun explained, seemingly fighting back tears. "I think we can go get something if you guys want to."

"We don't have to eat out." Taehyun reassured, sympathy written on his features. "We were just curious, that's all."

Yeonjun looked to the ground, closing his eyes tight for a couple of seconds. Stay strong. Stay strong. Stay strong....That's what I used to tell myself, right? He sighed, opening his eyes again. Tears beginning to stain his cheeks.

Before he could even speak he was taken into a tight hug. He pressed his head against Soobin's shoulder, his silent cries turned into painstaking sobs. The others soon joined, wrapping their arms around to form on big reassuringly tight hug. Tears brimmed most of their eyes. It hurt to see Yeonjun like this, and they don't even know why he's having a breakdown.

"Yeonjunie?" Soobin managed to move one of his hands up into the oldest hair, running his fingers through it softly. "We're here to listen to you. Remember what I told you? You don't need to go through whatever it is that's bothering you alone. We all care for you."

That only got the oldest to cry even harder. Huening Kai felt slightly guilty, his words seemed to trigger this in Yeonjun when he only meant it as a light comment.

"I—just..." Yeonjun trailed off, finding it difficult to put his emotions into words. He pushed the others off of him, allowing him space to breath. His head still hung low, a hand pressed against his face to hide his tears. "I've been so happy recently. So goddamn happy, I don't even know how to express it."

"Why are you crying then?" Soobin muttered, keeping a reassuring hand on Yeonjun despite the slight distance between them.

"I don't want to go back to how things were." Yeonjun answered, his voice low. Weak. He looks and sounds weak seemingly for the first time ever. "We shouldn't have to live our lives in fear, hoping to survive another day. We shouldn't have to hide every time we see the cops or hope our names don't show up in the news. I've lived in despair for the majority of my life. And now that I've had a taste at truly living, I don't want to truly go back to how things were. But I know that's just impossible. We're already too deep in this mess to get ourselves out of it."

A silence followed as everyone processed the words that Yeonjun said. They all feel the same way, just not to the extreme that Yeonjun is showing.

"There's not much further that we can run away to." Yeonjun mumbled, releasing a breathy laugh. "I don't even know why I still feel the need to run away. It's so tiring, constantly running from anything and everything. But I feel like that's all I have ever done, that's all I know how to do. I just...I don't know how much more I can go."

"Seriously?" Beomgyu spoke up, looking directly at the oldest. "Yeonjun. You are literally the fastest runner I know, the best runaway that I have ever seen. I don't mean to bring this up, but you are literally the only person my father has never been able to keep in prison. You always have a plan up your sleeve, your so daring it's scary, your confidence is on an entirely different level, and well you have us. We definitely didn't start on good terms, but I'll follow you anywhere, that's for sure. Whether you feel like you can run anymore or not, I want to be wherever it is you lead us to."