New - Lauren Cimorelli

Episode 19

After the introduction, when Fall Back started to play, I helped Amy place her mic-stand in place. I accidently put it a little too high for her but she managed it quickly while I laughed at her, I miscalculated how small she was.

I was thankful that Dani and I finally sorted our issues, this was the last tour with her, it would be stupid if we didn't enjoy every single second of it. And even though things were difficult, we were on stage, all of us, it was just time to enjoy it. Christina just had a miscarriage and she was strong enough to be here with a big smile on her face, so I could get over my breakup with Spencer and the panic attack I had yesterday for the first time in years and enjoy this.

"...My heard is pounding
Tryna hide it with some other guy
But I miss you and I wish that we could fall back"

I jumped backwards and almost tripped Christina that was behind me, but we laughed it off and recovered from it.

"But every time I catch you looking at me like that" I caught Christina's eyes and looked at her with a big smile while I mouthed the lyrics, Dani came over to me as we both teased her "I, I fall back..." After that I had to go change places with Lisa.

I tuned Christina out after Fall Back when she said a couple of words, I don't usually do that but because Christina always managed to get right through me with her speeches, I didn't want to get emotional right at the beginning of the show. The only thing I heard was the last thing she said, "Just take it all in", and I repeated it in a teasing way. She looked at me like she wanted to kill me for that roast but I just laughed at her.

I don't even know how Dani and I managed to keep our Renegade dance alive while we had that fight during the last weeks of rehearsals, but we did and it was fun. Then the next song was If It Isn't You, and only when fixed my earbud I started noticing the lyrics for real.

"But ever since you left, baby, I've been a mess
The stars in the sky don't shine as brightly"

Only then I started realizing what I was singing and the meaning of the lyrics.

"So tell me, would it be so bad if you came back?
Don't you remember how right it feels?"

I felt myself drowning but I forced myself to keep my eyes open, even if for a moment I closed them, I opened them immediately and focused on the people in front of me and singing the right notes. After that first part the rest of the song had nothing to do with my story, so I could enjoy it without overthinking the lyrics.

Did someone really ask for us to sing Pressure in the harmonizing challenge? By the my sister's reactions I guess they did. Lisa was already mumbling it when I came to them, they didn't want me to sing the melody and when I heard Lisa singing it I actually really wanted to hear what harmony she will bring in to this song, so I tried to tone them down nicely and let me sing the melody. It worked. And the harmonies were really good, I loved how my sisters did it. And it was unarguably our best song in this challenge, the rest was pretty much a fail.

Okay Lisa, I hate you, we've established that. Stop writing songs like Pretty Pink that I relate to. Now I have to disconnect from the feeling and just sing, pretend I'm okay and sing, and smile.

Christina called some fans on the stage when we did Katy Perry's cover, I didn't like the idea of bringing fans on the stage, I always thought it was awkward. Like we should pay attention to them but also to the crowd, I always opted to pay more attention to the crowd, being too close to the fans on stage was making feel uncomfortable and insecure. Thankfully, as always, my sisters covered for me and gave them enough attention.

Now was the moment I was most stress about. Dani and I sat on the ground, counted to three and revealed the cups. Another thing we both had to practice while fighting, but we already had it memorized because we've done it so many times before. We just needed to remember to hit the floor hard enough for the microphones to get it and not mess up. I wasn't expecting for my mic to drop down during the song, it was kinda funny,it wasn't that bad, and I didn't mess up, so it as a proud moment.