two stars of the same constellation

33

A lot of emotions command my mind right now but one of them is the most prominent, familiarity. As I walk past the lavish lobby and take the elevator up to the 18th floor, nostalgia takes over. I smile at the many memories that flash inside my brain as I walk the long hallways and stand in from of the apartment door. I ring the doorbell this time and wait for him to let me in, no surprises this time.

Leo opens the door and greets me with a small peck on my cheek. "May I offer you a tour, madame?" he says, old memories clearly crossing his mind too. I laugh and he takes me to each and every corner of his house as if I haven't already seen it before, as I am not the one who helped design it in the first place. But to my own surprise, the house feels much better than it did the last time. It still looks the same, but it feels different. Maybe because back when I had visited it, back when Leo wasn't home, it had felt like a mere hose. But now Leo was living here, it felt like home. He had made this space his own and to someone who didn't know him, the difference might've been lost. But I knew him and I knew this space, and I could see the effect they had on each other. Leo's smell enriched the apartment air and I'm glad it doesn't smell like it did when I had last visited the place. The place had seemed hollow and smelled detached.

We walk around and head over to the kitchen where he makes me some of his coffee. "Remember back when you didn't even know how to use the espresso machine. You stood there for minutes trying to figure it out on your own because you didn't want to ask for help. I had to teach you that,' he laughs. We go on and fill each other about the various things that happened in our lives in the past six months. The conversation is mostly dominated by his narrative as I try to share little about my part. I had no intention of sharing how I had spent the early months after his departure in utter misery, it was not needed at all. Instead, I listen avidly to the many stories he tells me from his tour. The band practices, the boys, the fans, the parties, he tells me about everything. Well, there's something that tells me he's not telling me everything but I let it pass. There is a hesitation from his side that he hides very well but I can still see it in his eyes and I know he's filtering his stories. I can tell that because I did that too.

"How's your hangover now? is the coffee helping?" I almost spill my drink when he asks me that. "Hangover? How do you know?" I look at him confused. "well, you texted me last night about the interview and with the number of spelling mistakes it was really hard to read through I'm must say. Most of it was just drunk gibberish and it was the weekend so I knew you were out drinking. I was just pulling your leg about the hangover," he explains whilst holding his grin. "Oh, I even called you that night. Multiple times actually," he adds and the memory of Garry mentioning the calls flashes back. "Oh yes, I just recalled. Wow, my brain is finally catching up. I remember now Joseph had told me you called. I'm so sorry I didn't pick up I was a little tired that night," I apologize. His face becomes tense for a second when I mention Garry, "so you guys were on a date? I'm sorry I didn't know..."

"Oh please, no. Not a date. We were just working late so we left together. Sarah and Ted were with us too," I find myself trying hard to clarify. He still looks a bit uncomfortable but doesn't say anything.

Hours go b before we even get to interview. I take out my notebooks and camera when the doorbell rings. "Oh, that must be Garry," Leo looks at me confused and I correct myself, "I mean Joseph. Joseph Garfield. You met him on New Year's Eve, remember?" he opens his mouth still a bit shocked then nods with an awkward smile, "I didn't realize he was going to be here too."

Oh.

The next few hours are well utilized as Garry takes leads the interview and I follow his instructions and take notes. If I have never admitted this before then I do it now, Garry has a distinctive persona when he's at work, different from anyone I've worked with before. People are drawn to him and interestingly that only makes him appear more grounded and reachable. I can see why he's so popular in the work circuit. He's a leader and he's good at his work. The interview too goes smoothly and even though I was a bit skeptical about the thought of the two men in the same room, I'm relieved that there's no lack of professionalism from either of their sides.

In between the recordings, my mind would wander off to the different memories associated with each specific area of the house. I think of the many late nights I worked sitting in the dining area opposite the studio. I had claimed it to be my temporary personal office after work began inside the studio and I had to move from there. I had felt bad giving up my small makeshift desk that Leo had assembled for me so he had arranged a small dinner spread over it as a goodbye. We walk over to his bedroom and I suggest we set the camera facing the huge glass window. The weather today was gloomy and I watched the clouds move ever so slowly reminding me of the time when Leo and I had gone shopping for fabrics and had decided to take an impromptu nap at the park bench. It had started to drizzle and we had to rush immediately. What he didn't know was how much I enjoyed running on that wet grass, getting drenched together. I would never forget when he held my hand and took off into a sprint leading us to a sheltered space. Shivers had run down my spine as his touch claimed my skin.

I find myself staring at Leo when I think of those days. I realize that I've probably been looking at him for too long and that he more or less knew that I was looking at him too. But my eyes refuse to budge and follow the curve of his jaw, the way his lips dip at the two ends and how his smile extends up to his eyes when he talks about what building a home meant to him. He looks absolutely beautiful no matter how casually he's dressed or how his hair sits in careless curls. I smile when he smiles and it strikes to me how mesmerized I am when I find myself mirroring his expressions. That's when I knew I really had it bad for this boy.

We end the day on a good note with enough data and a great angle to our story that justifies both Leo and Sitescape. Elated with the success of my first interview I decided to take the rest of the day off and head home straight. Garry too had to leave immediately for another interview he had scheduled today and we decide to discuss our progress later tomorrow. I can see him watch Leo watch me as he leaves for the day and it makes me feel a little guilty for a reason unknown to me. Leo suggests I stay for a while or maybe head out for dinner together but I know better than to set myself up for another emotional storm.

I had enjoyed spending my day in his company today and I had loved all the bittersweet memories it had brought back. But I had also realized the one thing I was afraid of. Months ago when he had left the city, left me distraught at the rooftop, I was still comparatively unsure of what I had felt. So much had happened so suddenly that I hadn't had time to process all of it back then. I would think about how I felt in that moment for months later on but it just didn't feel the same. He wasn't standing in front of me looking for an answer. What did I actually feel for him that day, specifically in that moment? Was I just sad because my closest friend was leaving? Was I feeling ambushed and cheated because he hadn't told me of his plan? Why did I feel entitled to an explanation? Why did I feel like he owed me a part of himself? I wanted to know all these answers but I was too afraid to ask myself the one question that would set all these things into perspective. Did I love him?

I knew nothing about love, so how would I know. But I had read about it and I always believed I would love love. Then why did I feel more heartbroken than loved? Was it only one-sided, I won't dare ask myself that. But today when I looked at him, I could feel all of that lost warmth all over again. I knew I could stare at that face all day and still not get enough of it. When I thought of the limited days we spent together and how happy those numbered memories made me, I knew I know the answer to my question. I also knew I had known it all along.

This was precisely the reason why I couldn't allow myself to spend any more time with Leo. I just couldn't allow myself to relieve those days because no matter how happy his presence made me, his absence had a lot more effect. All my protective instincts sprung to action and I knew I had to do this for myself. I was going to choose myself this time. I didn't want to be vulnerable again. I had to make the choice that was healthy for me here. I couldn't allow myself to fall for Leo Dane. Not again.