two stars of the same constellation

13

I spent many days contemplating everything I had said that night. I run those words again and again and try to picture a scenario where Leo doesn't end up thinking of me as a cold-hearted, mean, stuck-up little woman with a blood-pumping organ for a heart. But who am I kidding, I knew everything I said that night and even though my biggest crime was that I was a hundred percent honest, I knew that I was also blatantly unpleasant. Hence, I find relief in the fact that I don't see Leo for the next few days.

I spend a lot of days at the firm these days updating Pam and Damon with the progress so far, charting drawings and making reports. The paperwork is tiring but keeps me busy and I also get to spend more time with Sarah this way. I delay my visit to Leo's apartment for as long as I could but it finally catches up with me. It is after all the site of my project and I have to be present for regular checks to make sure the work progresses smoothly and according to our plan.

I'm not sure of how to face Leo after our last interaction, the night of the dinner. We don't text or call regularly unless we have to. I finally decide to pick up some baked goodies from a bakery nearby and dress a little fancier than usual trying to use all the cards I hold to distract him from bringing up the much-dreaded topic again.

I decide to use my spare keys to the apartment instead of knocking and surprise him. Maybe it was the conversation that we had the other night that I didn't want to relive or maybe I was just feeling sad that I wouldn't have enough reason to visit this apartment two months from now, but my heartfelt heavier as I stood outside the door debating if I should warn him about my visit or just enter. Feeling like a fool standing in the hallway and also scared that somebody might think of me as a stalker lurking outside Leo Dane's house, I finally turn the key and step in.

I enter the hall and find no one so I move to the kitchen and dump all my belongings on the counter. I hear Gil and Otis and trace the noise to the spare room that was now a fully functional studio. I was proud of how it had finally turned out and judging by the fact that Leo would spend days cooped in there, I figured he loved it too.

Excited that I was going to meet the whole band again I take the basket from the bakery and start walking towards the studio. The door is slightly ajar so I walk in but what I hear in the few minutes before they realize I was in the room stopped me right in my tracks.

"I cannot believe she really said that," Gil says "How is it possible that she has never been heartbroken." I freeze at those words.

"Well, I'm not going to lie Leo was right, this subject topic has a lot of potential. I think we can create something really beautiful and unique here," Otis adds.

"Agreed, but I think first we should talk to whoever this person is to avoid any misunderstandings," Cole is part of this too. At least this means they still don't know the person they are talking about is me.

"Yes, yes definitely. But this is baffling. I'm so intrigued I just can't stop thinking about it. Leo really struck gold with this one, so many lines are running in my head already."

"If we do this right, the world is going to have a masterpiece. There are so many songs about heartbreak, so little has been said about those who haven't felt that sinking feeling ever"

The thought of my words and emotions that I had shared with a friend in confidence being displayed in front of the whole world makes me nauseous. I want to run out of the room but my legs feel so heavy I can't get them to move.

The door shuts loudly and I finally get myself to turn to find Leo walking in with a journal and his eyes turn wide in horror. Everyone now faces me and guilt is written all over their faces. I look at them in disbelief. Who are they to talk about my life when they have hardly ever met me once? Maybe they don't know it's me but it's still rude to think of someone's feelings as just content. But that isn't what hurt me the most.

I turn to Leo who opens his mouth to say something in his defense but I stop him, "Save it," I raise my hand that's shaking with fury and shove the basket into his. His diary falls to the floor and opens up to a page with 'never been broken' scribbled on it with few other details, plans, and lines. I stare at it and find a date on the top corner of the page, 15th May, the night we went for dinner. I glare at him and my anger is so powerful words refuse to define it. I look back and forth at him and the other boys before storming out of the room.

Leo tries to follow me behind and I snap my wrist out of his grip. "Was this all some big plan you plotted to counter some kind of a writer's block or whatever is the musical version of that that you're stuck in?" I stutter like a mad woman.

"Was it all scripted? Be nice to me, take me to a few parties, introduce me to your friends so they could see their next project too then gain my trust and get me to confess everything only to break my trust, and maybe my heart too? Just so you could claim another name in your list of conquests? Just so you could write a few songs about it and sell some albums?" The words coming out of my mouth are so harsh that even I wince in pain.

I don't have to say anything more, the pain and anger and betrayal oozing out of my eyes is enough to make him take a step back. He looks as if someone had just punched him in the guts but I was not in the mood to give anyone but myself the benefit of doubt here.

All through my journey back home I try not to think of what had just happened. The notion of crying in the public made me feel weak and small and those weren't the dreams I came to the city with. The idea of moving to a new city where no one knew me used to feel thrilling to me but right now I missed home more than ever. When I found myself doubting my decisions I thought of my parents and the many sacrifices they made for me throughout and especially the ones to send me here to live my dream. I knew it killed my mother to see her daughter leave the country to chase dreams that were miles away and she would often say, "I want to say 'I wish your dreams were located somewhere nearby so I could be a part of them too' but they are your dreams. You should get to do it your way." My father on the other hand was both proud and a little bit sad to realize that he wouldn't be the one I would be running to in Chicago when faced with the smallest of the issues.

Thinking of them and their belief in me I feel ashamed for having thoughts about giving up on my dreams. I gather myself and smile thinking about them. As much as I want to call my parents or my sister, I stop myself from doing so. It's hard but I didn't want to worry them so I just leave them a text and try to find comfort in the fact there were some people in this world who loved me and never judged me.

'I had a great day but I miss you all so much, love you and take care. I wouldn't be here without you. '