two stars of the same constellation

12

My days at work just keep getting busier and busier. Between running back and forth between the office, the apartment, and the different vendors I find myself exhausted.

It's safe to say there wasn't one spot in all of Leo's apartment where I didn't fall asleep while working late shifts. I'd wake up wrapped in a blanket or on the couch with severe body pains for having slept at some weird angle. I'd leave Leo thank you notes whenever I would leave after waking up at odd hours, thanking him for taking care of me. The thought of his arms wrapped around me as he lifted me made my heart flutter.

One weekend when we had just finished visiting an antique furniture store in downtown city, we decided to reward ourselves with a nice fancy dinner. My orders to dress up super fancy and leave no stone unturned and he took it upon himself to make all the reservations.

I arrive downstairs wearing a silver satin dress and stilettoes. I watch Leo's eyes drown me into them and the oomph is translated in the sway of my hips. As I sit in the car, I place my leg above the other, the slit on the side doing its job perfectly. I greet him with a kiss on the cheeks and then rub the mark of my dark red lipstick leaves. I knew at this point that Leo was probably trying to avoid being drawn to me but making this job harder for him made me feel powerful. I decided that a little bit of harmless flirting made our relationship healthier and more exciting.

The dinner was exquisite to put in in one word. This was another new experience for me and I might have seen more interested in counting the number of celebrities that dined around us. Even though I was fascinated by all the extravaganza, nothing had my attention more than Leo himself and I must say I am extremely proud of myself for keeping my cool around all the famous people. I might be new to this but I understood respect and privacy well enough.

Once I'm on my third sangria I can slowly see through Leo's plan, "Are you trying to get me drunk monsieur Leo?" he looks at me and raises his hands in defeat with a look of surrender on his face and says sarcastically, "there goes my carefully constructed evening plan now how am I supposed to take advantage of you when you aren't drunk." I trust him enough to know that he's joking with me and I honestly didn't mind the free wine that I was being treated to.

I savor the taste and sip small portion of it from time to time and whenever I would catch him looking at me, I would give the glass a mall swirl, bring it to my lips in slow motion, sip in a more defined stance and then lick my lips as if it's the most delicious thing to have ever touched them.

After reaching a tipsy stage where I feel confident and relaxed enough to say brave words and do silly things but also in control enough to not cause either of us any shame, I order my last glass of wine and promise myself to stop afterward. As I find the simple act of swirling the wine glass in my hand mesmerizing, Leo with his face leaning on his palms asks me about the one topic I always try to avoid, matters of the heart.

"So, you told me that the first time you ever dated a guy was in high school but you never told me about your first heartbreak," I almost choke on my drink and look up to him surprised by the sudden interrogation. "Well obviously it was when that relationship of mine ended, that would be the first heartbreak. I thought you were smart enough to figure that much," I say casually hoping he wouldn't see through my lies.

"Obviously not. That's not how it works," he looks at me, "heartbreaks are prominent, it's not a background score that continues to play at the back of your head and goes unnoticed. When your heart breaks it's literally the only thing you think of or feel."

"Don't you seem to know a lot about heartbreak? Who broke yours?" I try to lighten the conversation still hesitating to actually answer his question.

"Come on, the world is not mental to go crazy over heartbreak songs and if there's one thing, I know about emotions it's that heartbreak is the purest, most vulnerable of them all. I'd go as far as to say it's even stronger than love itself. It can change the way you look at life, love and most of all change how you look at yourself. And from what I can guess it seems like you haven't experienced it even once." He looks at me, shocked.

I give him a sheepish smile broadcasting my guilt and his eyes go wider. I don't know if it's the alcohol that makes me feel braver, if it's Leo to whom I feel like I can say anything or if it's just the fact my mind finally wants to unload this burden of thought, but I finally end up being the most honest I've ever been with anyone on this topic, "Do you really want to know, it's not as interesting, to be honest."

"Well so as I already told you before I have dated a few guys here and there and most of them were really nice too. But every time I would find myself getting too attached to a person, I would instantly stop myself. From that moment all, I would find every slight thing about that person annoying. I would get irritated even when they were just trying to show me they love me. But I still knew that the problem wasn't them, it was me. All of my interest and affection would evaporate I would be left with a sinking feeling. I would avoid meeting them, hesitate while picking their calls and ignore their texts..." my voice trails off and I put my head in my hands knowing very well that I sounded straight-up obnoxious and bitchy.

When he doesn't comment, I know he wants me to continue. "My brain would then tell me to stop seeing them and I would tell myself that's because they aren't the one. I would calm myself by finding solace in the fact that all of this was happening because I wasn't with the right person. My only escape from the trenches of guilt and self-doubt that I found myself buried deep in was to hope that when I would find that one person whom I would fall head over heels for, someone who'd be my soulmate, my one true love, I would feel whole again. Then I wouldn't doubt my feelings for them or their dreams about me and then I would finally have a happily ever after free of insecurities and doubts."

"I have felt the butterflies, I have shared my dreams with others but never have I ever let someone, anyone in unconditionally. I just cannot get myself to let anyone in. My body rejects it and my mind forbids it. I've caged my heart with layers and layers of steel trying to protect it. The notion of heartbreak scares me, how can I let myself be so vulnerable?" I sigh.

Even though I know I'm going to regret having overshared so much of my innermost thoughts with Leo when I wake up tomorrow, I cannot stop this train of thoughts that has already left the station.

"I know there's a lot been written about heartbreak and how only when we are at our worst, our most vulnerable selves do we find the strength to rise, etc., but I still can't get myself to go through that, maybe one day a person worthy enough will break my heart but till then I'm going to do everything in my power to protect myself and my heart. I don't wish for a broken heart or all the poverty that it inspires, I just want a simple life with a simple man."

As I say those words, I say them more to myself than I do to Leo actually in a faint attempt to remind myself of the reality and how things functioned in the real world. I circle the rim of the wine glass in my hand taking occasional sips and then hold it for a while before gulping it down. Its sweetness makes me even more sentimental but helps me fight the thoughts of loneliness.

The world had enough songs that revolved around a broken heart, enough stories that declared its mighty power. But time and again I found it impeccably hard to walk on this two-sided sword. The world was chaotic enough, the last thing it needed was another broken heart.