The End Of All Good Things

Part 6: Fatherly talk

It's Wednesday again and it's time for your consultation with your therapist. Talking to your therapist has been helping you, genuinely helping you if I must say. Without him, we both know that your state will get worse.

As you sit in front of him, you can't seem to wrap your head around the reality that you have right now, your thoughts are constantly screaming at you for seeking help. You're doing your best not to cancel your session with him and and just walk your depression away.

While staring at the ground and pondering about your life, Dr. Hyungsook placed a nice warm tea in front of you.

"Here, Y/n, it's jasmine tea. It will help you relax"

You looked at your cup, then to him.

"Thank you, Doc"
"So... tell me... what's on your mind?"

A lot of things, actually. So many words are constantly forming in your head and it's starting to fog your train of thought. If you were to vomit every single word in your head, you will never stop oozing out black liquid from your mouth.

To be honest, a lot of things are starting to get better. You're getting help, you're back with your bestest friend, you're earning a decent amount of money, and your top surgery is just a week away. But things still seems wrong in your eyes, but you can't pinpoint what. Is it because your family abandoned you? Is it because you yourself can't accept the fact that you exist? Is it because you know to yourself that you don't deserve anything good? Probably.

You sighed and talked.

"I guess I'm okay... somehow"
"If you're okay, then why are you here?"

Yeah, why are you seeking help?

"Things are getting shittier, aren't they, y/n?"

Your lips curved into a small smile upon hearing your therapist curse in front of you. Then you nod.

"Even with the medications, things still seem bad, right? It's like nothing looks right and feels right, things still feel like shit... I know it will be cliché to tell you this, but still I wanted you to hear this just in case you're forgetting..."

You looked at him.

"... you HAVE to be strong. No matter what happens, you have to stand your ground. Why? Because no one will stand strong for you. Sure, you have your lover or your friends or your sibling, but the main character that will save you from everything is yourself... we both know what happens next if the main character suddenly decides to give up, right? And we both don't want that to happen..."

Sure.

"... And here's another thing, y/n... it's not your fault that your parents left you for who you are, it's their loss, not yours. They've lost someone so great and precious just because of their beliefs. You might not have gotten the apology that you crave for and you deserve, but I just wanted to say..."

He placed his hand on your hand.

".... I'm sorry"

If only your parents were to say that to your face as well, but we both know that they don't care anymore. You're basically a black sheep in their eyes, another failure that they see.

It honestly feels nice to talk to someone about family problems, it feels like someone can finally hear your plea. Sure, you have a brother to talk to, but he has his own family to take care of as well- you don't want to bother him so you kept most of your problems to yourself. Sometimes you envy your older brother, he has it all. He has a good life, a family to call his own, your parents supports him, and he never felt the wrath of gender-dysphoria. Most of the times you wished that you had a body of a biological guy, so that your parents would finally love you.

Your parents always tells you that you would burn in hell if you turned out to be gay, and now that you came out, they always beat you with their bible verses. Yes, you believe in the higher being, but most of the times you can't seem to avoid the questions that are forming in your head. Why would an 'all knowing God' despise his own creation? Why would an almighty being -that for sure has known the past, present and future- refuse to accept homosexuality? When in fact, he probably has seen that his people would soon discover new genders and sexualities? Most of the times you blame him for the anger that you feel whenever people tells you something about religion or God, because the God that created you can't seem to accept the fact that Queer people exist.

You crave for unconditional love and genuine acceptance, and each day it grows bigger. You always feel alone, when in fact, there are people who loves you so much- you're always blinded by the pain you're feeling 24/7.

"Thank you, Dr. Hyungsook... if only my family would tell me that, then I probably will suffer less. But it always feel like hell whenever I see my older brother get the love that I always wish I could have too... tell me doctor... am I going to be called selfish for wanting their love all for myself? Is it bad if I sometimes wish my brother would feel like--..."

You stopped at the middle of your ranting, you've realized how corrupted you're becoming. Of course you don't want your brother to feel horrible like you do, it was just a slip of the tongue. You would never wish this to anyone, even to your enemy. That is if you have one.

".... I'm sorry"

Your doctor looked at you with an apologetic look.

"No, you're not selfish y/n. You just wanted to feel loved, there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel that way. Half of your life you've been cut short of attention and support from your family, and I don't think anyone will blame you for that... I wouldn't. None of these things is your fault, never had been yours"

Family, family, family. It always has been family that hurted you the most, if only they accepted you from the beginning, then you wouldn't reach to this stage where you always bawl your eyes out whenever your depression hits you like a brick on your face. The pictures that you see on the internet? Those happy family photos? I hate to break it to you, but those were just illusions created by the gods above to trick its people that happy ending exists. They do, but only in fairytales. Unfortunately, you aren't prince charming.

After your session with your psychologist, you walked on the streets of Korea and wandered for a while, trying to calm your thoughts after an intense talk with your doctor. It's already dark and the snow is making you want to just burry your head on your soft and cozy pillows, but we both know it'll just get worse if you go home. Your thoughts are dangerous afterall.

While walking on the street, you can't help but reminisce the days to when you were still young; still loved by your parents. Their laughs and praises echoes in your head, the sweet sound of their voices deafens you every second. You're smiling, it's rare to see you smile with genuine happiness plastered on your lips. Sure you smile to Joohyun and to other people, but whenever you remember the happy times with your family, your heart shows genuine feeling of happiness.

You walk and walk and walk, until someone grabbed your arm and stopped you on your tracks, as you look ahead of you, a car honked at you and the driver rolled his window down to shout at you.

"Pabo! You want to die!?"

You bowed at him while the stranger's hand is still on your arm.

"I'm sorry"
"Get your shit together!"

Then he drove away. You looked behind you to look at the stranger who saved you.

"I-I'm sorry"
"It's okay, but next time please be careful"
"I will"

With that, he walked away and headed towards his destination. While you're there still trying to process what just happened to you.

I swear I nearly had you in my arms, but oh well, I guess it's not yet time for me to escort you to the other side.

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Hello! I hope you like this chapter, have you eaten yet? If not, please do. Take care of yourself okay? Bye see you on the next chapter! :)