My Reason To Live

16

Warnings:
-Eating disorder behaviour
-Manipulation

George's POV

After talking to Clay for hours, I went onto my phone again and started chatting with my coach.

Coach
Hi! How is it going today?

You
I haven't eaten anything in days

I might have been happy to lose weight, but I felt so weak that I wasn't really happy with that part.

You
I don't feel well if I'm honest

Coach
You did a great job, eat something small :)

You
Can I? I don't want to gain weight

Coach
You can eat something small, as long as it's not cake or whatever. Maybe cucumber, tomatoes or something healthy.

You
Will I have to starve forever?

Coach
Until you reached your goal weight

I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. I still saw myself really fat. I ended up pulling my shirt off and grabbed my phone to google ways to lose weight more easily, but it were all basic tips.

You
I think it's better if I don't eat, but is there a way I can lose weight even quicker?

Coach
Exercise a lot

You
I'm really hungry

Coach
Just undress in front of the mirror and look at all your fat. I'm sure you won't be hungry anymore after that. If you exercise while looking at your disgusting body, you aren't going to want food anymore.

You
I don't like seeing myself if I'm honest

Coach
Because you're gross and fat, but that's a good thing for making yourself nauseous enough to stop being hungry

I sighed and decided to listen to him. I had lost weight while listening to him so he probably knew what to do.

I ended up undressing myself in front of the mirror and within a second I started crying. I felt so disgusted by my own body and after I realised everyone had seen it, I was even more upset and disgusted with it.

You
I really don't want to see myself

Coach
That's the point. Do you actually want to eat now? When you're this fat?

You
I really don't want to live with this body. It makes me so insecure and I don't know if I'd ever be able to love myself. All boys around my age are busy with such different things and I just genuinely hate myself

Coach
Yeah, they aren't fat like you so they have time for girls and whatever teen boys all do

You
I don't even think I'm interested in girls if I'm honest. I kinda like a boy. Actually, I'm sorry. I shouldn't randomly talk about boys.

Coach
So you're gay?

You
I don't know

I laid my phone down and quickly dressed up again. I crawled under the sheets and stared at my ceiling in silence.

Without me hearing footsteps on the stairs, someone suddenly knocked on the door.

'Yeah,' I muttered with a hoarse voice.

Jason walked in and sat on the edge of my bed with a smile. 'I came to check on you. You haven't been to school and you look really pale and fragile. You might be losing weight too and you didn't eat at all.'

'Jason,' I whispered. 'I just don't feel well, I'd rather not talk about it.'

'I'm a bit worried. I'm actually really worried about you.'

'Please, stop about it. I don't want to be reminded.'

My brother understood that I really didn't want to talk about it and smiled at me. 'That boy, huh.'

I giggled softly and hid the blush on my cheeks.

'You've been calling a lot with him. Can you tell me about him?'

'We met on a server and we've talked every day so far. His name is Clay and he's seventeen year old. He called me with video on and he's pretty handsome.'

'Do you like him?'

I shrugged. 'Maybe.'

'What does he look like?'

'He has blonde hair which is like medium length. His eyes are yellow or green and he's just really beautiful.'

'Gogy, are you in love?' Jason teased me with a smile on his face.

'I don't know,' I muttered. 'I never loved anyone like that and also not a boy. Can you answer me honestly? Do you think I might be gay?'

'In all honesty? Yeah, I do think you're gay or something like that. Let's rephrase that, I do think you like boys. Do you know if you're attracted to boys?'

'I think I'm kind of am, but I don't really know how it feels to be attracted to someone.'

'There's different types of attraction. You can just imagine some of them and figure out if you like it. You can ask yourself if you would want a relationship with Clay and then you can imagine if you want to have a sexual relationship with him.'

'A sexual relationship?'

'Well yeah, if you want to touch him and do sexual stuff together.'

I nodded slowly and imagined it in front of me, feeling my heart beat a bit faster when I thought about Clay. It still felt really wrong to think such things and I looked back at Jason.

'I think it's weird to imagine doing sexual things with a random boy.'

'I don't think it's weird since a lot of people do it, but the better question to ask yourself is if you like thinking about boys more than girls.'

'Yeah, I do,' I muttered. 'A lot more. I trust him too, I think I'll turn my camera on too next time and just hope he will like me.'

'Is he gay?'

'He doesn't know since he never felt emotions for personal reasons, but he's starting to feel a bit more and told me he felt butterflies for boys.'

'Take your shot,' my brother said with a big smile. 'I'm proud of you.'

'Don't tell dad, please. He might accept me liking boys, but I just rather have him not know yet.'

My brother pressed his lips together and acted like he zipped it with his hands. 'I won't say a word. You have to come out at your own time, I have nothing to say about that.'

'Thank you,' I said with a smile.

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