My Reason To Live

17

Warnings:
-Mentions self harm

Clay's POV

It was a few days later again and I was on a call with George like I was every day. I had my camera on and just talked to him without playing any games.

The last few days had been really weird. I had been laughing a lot with George and I cried a few times as well. I still had a lot of trouble with feeling empathy for anyone other than George, but I started realising that I did.

I cut myself one time and needed to go to the hospital, so I woke my dad up at midnight. I didn't feel empathy for him standing up this early, but I was aware of the fact it was crazy that he was still doing this for me.

Next to that, I had also felt love for the first time. My stomach was always filled with butterflies and I tended to blush a lot as my heart beat faster than I ever felt it beat before. I didn't talk about it anymore since I realised it was probably awkward for George to have a random guy fall in love with him.

I was turning around in my chair as George cleared his throat. 'What would you do if I turned on my camera?'

I shrugged. 'You're probably handsome as hell.'

'I doubt that,' George muttered. 'I can turn it on, but don't laugh.'

'I would never. I barely laugh anyway.'

I heard George sigh. 'Let me check my hair.' He was quiet for a little and cleared his throat. 'I'm going to turn it on.'

I stared at the screen in front of me and saw George's camera flick on. My heart skipped a beat and my mouth slightly stood agape as I saw him.

'Gosh, if I'm not gay then I don't know what this is,' I said with a bright blush. 'You're gorgeous.'

George giggled shyly and hid behind the sleeves of his hoodie. 'Are you serious?'

'You're so handsome, oh my goodness,' I said as I was actually overwhelmed by the butterflies in my stomach. It wasn't like I felt something all day now, most of the time I was still as empty as always. That was why I still got so overwhelmed when I felt something.

'Dude, it's so hot in here,' I muttered as I stood up to open my window.

'Is it hot or am I too hot?' George giggled.

'Shut up,' I replied awkwardly. I never felt awkward or uncomfortable before. 'I really wish to see you in real life.'

'In what area do you live?' George muttered with a shy and soft voice.

I told him around what places I lived and he nodded. 'I live ten minutes away from that.'

'We could meet up one day if you want to,' I said with a shy smile. 'I'm sorry if I sound creepy. You're just the first person who made me feel something and you're special to me. With that, you're also really gorgeous.'

George giggled and looked away shyly. 'You're special to me too.'

I smiled and squeezed my hands. 'You make me happy,' I whispered. 'George, I've never felt emotions and it's so overwhelming. If it's okay with you, I'm just going to talk with my dad for a little.'

'That's totally fine. Just call me when you want to call me again.'

'Okay,' I muttered as I hung up. I stood up with an energy drink and slowly walked downstairs to see my dad sit on the couch. He looked at me  and I sat down next to him.

'Dad, I don't know what to do anymore.'

'What's up?'

'I'm too overwhelmed and I don't know if I like it. I also have no idea how to deal with it.'

'With what in specific?'

'I'm just feeling things and most of my day I'm still emotionless, but there are moments when I feel something and it's driving me insane.'

'What emotions have you felt?'

'Sadness, happiness, I felt awkward and empathy for George. And uh- I feel love.'

'Love? For who?'

'It's weird, don't get mad at me.'

'I won't.'

'I think I'm in love with George,' I whispered. 'And I know he's a boy, but I think I might be gay. I just don't know anymore, I never felt love and now it's also a boy.'

'It's fine, honey. You don't have to worry about him being a boy.'

'But I don't know anymore. I'm actually so upset,' I whispered. 'I firstly cut myself because I wanted to feel things and now I want to cut myself because I'm too overwhelmed and upset.'

My dad hugged me tightly and ran his hand through my hair. 'I love you, Clay. I know you aren't able to love us, but I'm already glad you have feelings for someone else now. I'm not happy that you're upset, but I think it's a big progress that you're feeling something.'

'It made me cry when I thought about my past and George made me laugh and feel things I never felt before. I would like to see him in real life once, but I think I'm just going to get shy for the first time in my life.'

I was so upset that I started crying and my dad held me tightly. 'It's okay, sweetie. You can cry.'

'I've never felt this for someone and it's so overwhelming. I think I fell in love. I want to be together with him if I'm honest. I would even want to hold him and I never wanted anyone to hold me that way. I definitely never wanted to hold someone myself that way.'

'Do you know what gender he prefers?'

'I don't, but he kind of told me he's not that interested in girls.'

'Take your chance,' my dad said. 'As long as you don't try, you will never know.'

'But who would want a relationship with me? I'm just a dick,' I whispered. 'I barely feel anything and when I do I cry because I'm overwhelmed.'

'But he knows what happened to you and you're slowly progressing more and more.'

'Am I allowed to meet with him?'

'Do you know for sure if he's who he says he is?'

'We called with video on,' I said with a blush. 'And he's really handsome.'

'As long as you're careful, I'll allow you to.'

I smiled and gave my dad a hug. 'Thank you.'

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