My Reason To Live

7

Warnings:
-Not a detailed panic attack
-Grooming/pedophilia
-Eating disorder

George's POV

I was crying loudly and shaking badly as I started typing again.

You
But those are not a real pictures. Did you use me? Can you please delete my pictures?

Coach
I'm not deleting them. Just don't be so difficult, if I don't want to send you pictures, you should be fine with that. I'm not the one who needs to lose weight.

You
But how do I know you're actually eighteen?

Coach
I'm a bit older, but I didn't tell you because I never have a chance to help people if I tell them my real age.

I started breathing faster and stared at my screen. He used me for pictures, he just used me.

You
How old?

Coach
That doesn't matter, let's just start with your weight loss. Are you going to listen to me?

You
Not before I know how old you are

Coach
I just turned forty-five, are you happy now?

You
You're disgusting

I immediately blocked his contact and felt guilt crush my body. I sent pictures of myself to an old man who was probably not even trying to help me. He was just looking for pictures of young boys.

My whole world seemed to collapse. I couldn't turn back time anymore, my pictures would forever stay on his phone. I regretted what I did so incredibly much and kept crying for hours on end. I was too vulnerable to say no, I just really wanted to lose weight and he was so mean to me that I just didn't dare to say no.

I was crying so loudly that my brother appeared to wake up. I heard him clear his throat shortly and then heard his quiet footsteps on the floor, coming closer to my room.

TW non detailed panic attack

I hid my face in my pillow as the self disgust kept growing within me. I just sent a pedophile my pictures and instead of looking at my fat to help me, he was probably now pleasuring himself with my pictures.

My whole body started shaking and my brother walked in now, kneeling down next to my bed. He turned me around and pulled me closer into his arms.

'It's okay, George. I don't know what happened, but I'm here for you. I love you and I'd never stop loving you.'

My whole body tensed up because of the panic going through my body. I wanted that man to delete those pictures as fast as possible, he was looking at me in a different way than I wanted him to.

TW over

'Let's think about something you like. Do you like someone at school? Maybe a girl? Or a boy?'

I smiled at the last part. I didn't know what my sexuality was, but I did know that I didn't like girls the way a lot of other boys liked them. It made me happy that my brother didn't assume my sexuality by just guessing me to like girls.

'Oh, you're smiling,' he said with a teasing grin, ruffling my hair up. 'Any boys in your life?'

I giggled shyly and shook my head.

'Does it make you happy when I talk about it?'

I nodded slowly and hugged him a bit tighter to show him that I needed him to keep talking to me.

'What makes you happy?'

'That you don't assume,' I whispered. 'Don't assume I like girls.'

'Of course I don't assume you like girls. You've never shown interest in them so I figure there's always a chance you might like boys.'

I shrugged and felt the panic leave my body. Though, the guilt and self disgust were still there, I hated myself for being so weak that I could even say no to it. I wished to go back and do it all over, saying no and showing him I was stronger.

'Look at me, George. You're staring again. Do you want to talk about what has been bothering you so much?'

'Rather not,' I whispered as I started playing with the bracelet I got from my mother. I always wore it and I hadn't taken it off for a single second after she died.

'You can always come into my room when you're feeling sad or scared.'

'Can you-,' I started, afraid to be found weird. 'Stay with me at night?'

'Would you like that?'

'It makes me feel safer now I'm sad.'

'Of course,' my brother said. He rolled me a bit to the side of the bed and laid down next to me as he held me against his body. 'Close your eyes.'

I did what he told me to and tried my hardest to forget about what happened just a bit ago. Hopefully this would be everything that happened and nothing would ever change.

'Would you like to walk in the forest tomorrow? You liked to do that with mum.'

I nodded. 'After school?' I asked him in a very quiet tone of voice.

'Yes, of course. I have work till four and I think you're home around three?'

I nodded again and rested my head on my brother's chest.

'You should sleep now, George. I just want to say something before you go to sleep. I'm not dumb and I know you're really insecure. I know you were before mum passed, but I know it got worse after that. I'm not going to assume things, but I want you to know that you can always talk to me. You can call me at work, go to me at night. We've been through everything together and you're my little brother, I love you.'

I had a smile on my face and it made me feel less alone when he told me those things. I wouldn't have the courage to tell him that I ever sent those pictures to someone and I also didn't want to tell him about my struggles with eating, but maybe I could talk to him about my sexuality once.

I sighed and felt myself getting really tired, slowly dozing off to sleep while it was really late at night.

1015 words