Lost Poems

Grieving What Could Have Been

I wonder what could have been
If I had been
Who I was meant to be
Who I wanted to be
And not who I thought I should be
If I were brave enough to be that
I wonder what could have been

I wonder what could have been
If I left that bad habit
Of putting others opinions over mine
I wonder what could have been
If I learned to accept myself
Instead of craving that acceptance from others
I wonder what could have been
If I didn't reject myself
Before you rejected me
I wonder what could have been
If I didn't silence my voice
To make sure you were at peace
While I was peace-less inside
Falling in pieces
As I tried so hard to be how you wanted me to be
Gosh I'm so dumb
I wanted your approval
Part of me still craves it sometimes

I sit here grieving
Grieving what could have been
If I knew better back then
If I knew it was okay to simply be
To have likes and dislikes
To have wants and needs
To realize I wasn't a burden for simply being
Gosh...you certainly did make me feel that way
The talk of how you gave up everything
Definitely makes us feel like burdens
I'm sorry I'm one of the sperms that made it
I'm sorry I didn't somehow find a way to not be here
If it makes you feel better,
I sometimes contemplated....
...
I'll stop
It's getting too dark

I sit here grieving
Grieving what could have been
If I had been allowed to be my self and still feel like I was loved regardless
To have my own voice and still feel I was loved regardless
I told you my interests and you didn't care to read or listen
To you they were silly
Way too touchy and feely
So preoccupied with your own issues
There was no space in your mind to occupy information that wasn't about yourself
I feel neglected
I feel unloved
I feel forgotten
By you
You sat in the corner victimizing yourself
While I sat in the corner minimizing myself
So I don't be a burden
I wasn't an easy child
I just pretended I didn't have much needs

I wonder what could have been
If for so long I didn't seek for your love, acceptance, and approval.
Making me think there's something wrong with me because you asked that all the time.
Making me think there's something wrong with me because if you couldn't accept me then who on earth will.
I wish I stood up to you
I wish I had thicker skin
I wish I didn't try to change for you
Or anyone at all

I forgive you
But....
Now I'm angry
More angry with myself than with you
I'm angry with me-
The fool who who let you get to me
ME!
I'm the problem
I let everything and everyone get to me
Way too fragile
Way too naive
One second I hate me
Next thing I like me
Just weak

I should have known better
Even though I wasn't taught....
Wait... I wasn't taught
But I still wish I knew better
I still wish I reached out for help
Instead of dying in silence
Like I always do
Like I still do today
Dealing with problems of my own
An Eccedentesiast
Smiling like it's okay when it's not
Half the time it's not

I want to write happy poems
Not sad ones
But I can't till I heal from the past
I'll keep writing sad poems
Till I'm don't grieving
Grieving what could have been

Monday, August 23rd, 2021. 8:35 am