Lost Poems

How I feel

Falling in love
Oh how I want it
But falling apart
I sure don't want it
I like the idea of it
But can't stop the fear of it
I feel I can't handle it
I feel I'm not ready for it
I'm not in the right place
I keep telling myself
I need to give myself space
I keep telling myself
I don't know what I want exactly
But I know I want peace
Peace with myself
Peace with others
But I can't seem to find it
Especially with myself

Letting people in my bubble
Making me fumble
Making me resent you
Cause I can't seem to tell you
I don't like how you treat me
Because I'm scared you'll
Say you don't care
Say it's my fault
Which then makes me feel
Like I'll never heal
How can I heal
When I can't be real
When I find it hard to admit
That I do need to heal
Last time I tried to
They said I had it better
I'm sorry you had it worse
But that doesn't mean
You shouldn't show remorse

It hurts cause I know I'm sensitive
Trust me I hate it too
I wish I didn't care
About the words you had to say
I wish I didn't care that you
Never accepted my way
My way of acting
Of thinking or feeling
Everything that was me
Just feel like you rejected me
I don't want your approval anymore...
None of you
But for some reason
Part of me still seeks it
Hate that I need it
Hate that I need acceptance
Hate that I need to feel loved
I know these are basic human needs
But I feel guilty for expressing my needs
So I suppress
It's quite unhealthy
Why can't I express
I'm trying now
To express how
Express how I feel
Express my struggles
My reals
Ignore the smile on my face
I wanna be real
I'm not okay
But feel like I should be okay
It's just been lonely
For so long so lonely
I said how I felt
They said I'm not the only one
I know that for sure
But I'm pretty sure
We're all allowed to feel sad
It's not a sin to feel sad
I crave connections
Don't make me feel bad
For wanting to be understood
For wanting to be accepted
For wanting to heal
To let it all out

I'm scared you'll shame my thoughts
So I don't express my thoughts
But maybe one day
When I become bold enough
I'll look you in the face
And admit that it hurt

August 8th 2021 1:55 PM