Leave Before You Love Me (COMPLETED)

11

Hey,

I know I failed to write to you for the whole week. Aside from school, I was too preoccupied with Finn. I'm now officially in love with his company. I think I miss his company more than I miss him sometimes. If that makes sense. Sometimes I'd rather we just sit in silence and mind our own business than have us talk (only because sometimes he'll ask about things I don't want to answer, and things I can't answer).

But today...

Today's different.

It's Finn's birthday today. And he told me he used to celebrate alone. Ever since his parents died, he's been staying over at his Aunt's. But his Aunt is working in a different country and was actually hesitant to leave him. She waited until he was in college before he flew to Jersey to work. She's still supporting him financially and she basically treats him like her own son. They have a tight bond, and would always talk over FaceTime or Skype. He's been celebrating his birthdays alone for three years now and so when he asked me to come over so he can cook for me, I couldn't say no.

You know how I despise birthdays. Or more like I despise my own birthday. But seeing Finn as he enjoys my company, even though I'm sure as hell that I'm such a joy killer, I'm starting to like birthdays.

Or more like I like his birthday.

Not mine. Definitely not.

We spent the night playing silly games. I laughed, smiled, and joked with him. I did everything I never thought I won't be able to do again. And it's always so easy with him.

I know I don't really know him that much. And I practically knew him for just three months, but he made those three months bearable. He made me like my life. He made me look forward to going to school because I know he'll be there and we'll be in the same class. He made me look forward to walking home from school because he's always walking me home even though he leaves after we reached three streets away from my house. He made me look forward to weekends because I know he'll be at the park, sitting at the swing, waiting for me.

He basically made living easier.

Which is both delightful and scary.

Because I was so used to wishing I was dead.

But now, every time I think of death...I think of Finn. I think of how he's going to be sad as soon as I die. Or will he be sad if I die? 

I shouldn't be feeling these things.

Because I find love selfish.

But is it bad to be selfish...for a love like this?