10 HOURS AWAY | A Novel

chapter 64 - don't give up

10 Hours Away

Relationship advice; something I've been giving my friends for years without actually having any experience.

Quite ironic how I used to tell others what to do or how to solve their 'problems' while being thoroughly incompetent to give myself any advice I could put to practice.

You see, over the years, I have listened to what others went through; the good and the bad. After every conversation I had, I knew exactly what I wanted and wouldn't want in a partner. I must say, I do believe the experiences of others made me more critical when it comes to dating someone which is understandable.

There were times, someone asked me if I wasn't too demanding because they were certain I had a list of requirements someone should meet. The thing is, I had never been too demanding because not only were certain expectations shaped by my own preferences but I also had been shaped by what others had undergone. If I hadn't heard so many negative experiences, I would've looked at relationships differently; perhaps I would've been more open to date. All in all, their stories could make me look at people from a different perspective therefore my views on relationships shifted once in a while.

But being given the wonderous chance to be in one myself, I had learned new things on my own. Such as, it is indispensable to be in a balanced relationship. I'm not the only one in this relationship because he, Noah, is my other half – and secretly my centerfold.

We have to make it work, something you can only do when both parties are in it together. So that's when my view changed once more because my relationship isn't the same as the relationships of those around me. And their third relationship isn't the same as my first. Meaning; even though I had listened to what others had been through, and given them heaps of advice, it wasn't always applicable to my own life. I was still figuring out where I belonged in the dating world and what my life looked like in it.

Because even if I had given my friends numerous chances to share the good and bad, in combination with plenty of advice, there was no way I could use any of it myself. Because when Noah questioned me What have we been doing all this time, I couldn't give him a response.

I had expected to hear a solution rolling off my tongue. I had expected to know what we should do next without giving it another thought.

But it didn't work like that.

Even if I wanted to reach out for a How To Guide, it didn't exist. And even if one had been published, it would not be written for us. It would highlight the basics that everyone was already capable of fixing in themselves because the guide wouldn't be based on our months together; a combination of much laughter, an immense amount of love, but also tumultuous circumstances we preferred to forget.

We hadn't moved yet. We were still seated on the edge of his bed. By looking at our hands, which were interlaced, the thought of never holding his hand anymore seemed unimaginable. 

"Uhm.." I quickly murmured to let him know I was about to reply to his question. Once he sensed what I was about to do, his eyes found mine. "I think... I think we have been too busy putting the emphasis on making it work, instead of enjoying what we have." I said. "We both wanted to make it work so badly, it was basically doomed to go wrong the first time."

The moment I said it aloud, I knew it was the right response to his question because it summed up our months together perfectly. We both wanted it so much, we hadn't given ourselves the chance to know what it's like to be in a relationship; a healthy relationship.

"So what happens if we do it all over again?" he asked, unsure what would happen if we did.

"I don't want to do it all over again, Noah." I started. "I want to try again because I believe there's something between us that's worth fighting for." and my grip around his hand tightened. "I don't want to live my last months in New York City without having you by my side."