Grave Decisions

1- How it all started

I am going to begin my story right about..... Now.

Chapter One- How It All started

I'm just going to give you my whole life story... When my mom was dating my father, he got her pregnant. My mom told my father that she was pregnant. On Thanksgiving, my dad called and left a message. I do not know what the message says, but my mom still has the recording. My dad had only called to fucking break up with her. My mom gave birth to me, and met my step-dad (he's an angel compared to my father) My mom got married, and told my father she had moved on, that she had a child, and that she was married to another man. One who could take responsibility and take care of me and my mom. One that would treat me and my mother nice. Apparently my biological father decided he was going to try out being a father. My mom and biological father fought all the time.. This went on for the following 4 years, for all I know. When I was about 5, I moved to some moderately large-sized city, for kindergarten. I loved it there. It was big, but not too big. I had a lot of good friends there. But the next year, we moved.... Here.... 

But at home, at my father's, I was being fed all these lies... I didn't realize what he was doing, because I was so young... And so pure and inexperienced with liars... Although this isn't really important, it kind of is. My dad told me lies about my mom, his past, her past, THEIR past. He made it seem like he was the innocent one! I was gullible enough to believe this shit.. This went on for a very long time.

Then, when I was about 9, my father got married to the worst woman ever, and we moved to a different house. This woman... She acted like she loved me. But when everybody else's heads were turned, she would turn into a monster. She would yell at me for random things. She would hit me. Then people started noticing. So she did it at their house when I was over....

Then came the Fourth of July.

The Fourth of July... I was 11. My stepmother was out, visiting her dad in Long Island. My father got shitfaced drunk. He started hitting on me and flirting with me. I ran over to the neighbors, and got their mom. Well, then my father then started hitting on her, and asking her to go to bed with him. My father and I fought a lot that night... I spent the night over at the neighbors. I woke up, with the neighbor boy beside me. I wondered what he  doing that night.... But I went upstairs to eat, then went back to my father's, hoping and praying he was sober. I got over there, and instead of getting a nice, warm hug... I got a huge slap across the face and he pulled a knife out of his back pocket. He held it to my throat and asked me if I was still a virgin... I said yes, and he got this evil look on his face... Almost as if the devil himself had crept into his soul and taken over.... As if by miracle, my mom pulled into the driveway and yelled for me to come get in the truck. I started walking out the door, but my father yanked me back and hissed "Don't you fucking dare utter a single word about what happened, you little fucking bitch."

After all of this happened, I realized... I could die tomorrow. I thought I needed to start living. So I started hanging out with the bad group... My father somehow found out about this, and he called me a slut, he called me a druggie... Every name in the book.

I knew if I continued on this path of self-destruction, I would be everything my father said I was and I wanted to change that. I went to church. I tried to get rid of all my habits. I soon realized I couldn't change it. I cut. I tried to commit suicide. I became very distant. I blocked everyone out. I pushed my friends and family away, so they wouldn't get hurt...

 Too young to know about life. Too young to know pain. Too young...

I was 13 finally, and I saw my whole life in front of me. I had a good life planned out for myself... Until I heard my father talking about my mom to somebody on the phone. Calling her foul names... Drinking, and then sneaking into my bedroom to touch me... And do what no parent should ever do to their children....
I went to my room, when my father want home and decided that I would do what I wasn't able to do before... I had decided to try to take the easy way out of everything. I went to my bedroom... I took my scarf off... Wrapped it around my neck once. Twice.. Three times..... I pulled on both sides as hard as I could, until everything went black, and I heard screaming... I thought I was going to go to heaven. But I didn't see anything. I only saw darkness. I saw no light whatsoever. I saw nobody. 

I started to hear more and more voices... Angry sounding voices... Ones that were saying things about me... And then I woke up. The scarf was no longer wrapped around my neck. It was in my left hand. And I was still in my bedroom... With the door shut... I should have died. I wish I had died. I wish I knew why I didn't. I wish I knew why I don't have scars on my neck from all the attempts... Yet... I have so many on my arms... See? Maybe, for once in my life, I'm not so clueless, after all. But because of this, I now suffer from depression. And it is nobody else's fault, but my own.

That's all I can think of for right now!!!! Keep updated and you'll find out more of this... Mysterious..? Ana.

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