Overdose (BXB) Completed/Editing

Chapter 29 - Cupcake

Overdose - Chapter 29

-Alex-

"Are you happy?"

"I'm not sad. Well, at least not right now. I feel joy when I see my dad with his new girlfriend and when I'm with Nico," I answer honestly. Therapy is probably the last place anyone would ever expect me to be but the same was said about rehab. I decided it was time to see one when my thoughts became too much for me to handle alone.

Nico has offered his ears so kindly, but he has plenty on his plate already. Even my dad offered his time to listen to my problems and again, I didn't want him to worry about me. So far, therapy has made me realize that it's much more difficult than just sitting in front of a person and spilling my thoughts at their feet. Most of the time I have no clue where to start but it's a work in progress.

"Alex?" Dr. Hayes asks, her voice the same tone as it has been the entire time. She speaks in lowercase for lack of a better word. "Sorry, what?" I ask as I'm sure I missed whatever she said. She smiles, "What about when you're not with your dad or Nico? Do you feel joy then?"

I bite my lip and stare blankly at the plaques on the wall. "I don't. I hate being alone because I tend to start thinking about the past or how things will end for me...certainly, I'm not a Disney princess so a happy ever after doesn't look like it's in the cards for me..." Way to start being honest. She sets her clipboard down before looking into my eyes deeply.

"What scares you most about the future?"

"The past. My past. I'm afraid that it's only a matter of time before I cave under the pressure to make everyone proud. I'm sober but for how long until I tell myself that one pill won't hurt anyone?"

"When was the last time you felt the urge to take something?" She asks, grabbing her clipboard from the coffee table. I stare at her blankly as I feel myself being pulled into a memory that I've been trying to suppress.

-FLASHBACK-

"Can I use the bathroom?" I ask Sabrina as she passes the salad bowl to my dad. "Sure, right down the hall," She smiles, and I get up from the table.

I know they didn't have any ill intentions when they started talking about me dropping out, but I couldn't help feeling like they don't understand why I no longer wanted to be at the school where a good amount of my trauma took place. I told my dad that I wasn't in the right space mentally to continue going to school and he said he understood.

Hearing him today, talking about how he had planned for my graduation since my first day of school, and how excited he was for me to go to college, was a cruel reminder of how much I had failed him.

I'm his only child and I couldn't even give him the satisfaction of seeing his years of taking me to school and helping me with homework, pay off. I know he loves me but sometimes, I think about if he knew how I was going to turn out, would he have wanted me still? Would he have even fought for custody? Granted my mom didn't want anything to do with me but still.

I step into the bathroom and close the door behind me. Sighing heavily, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I told Nico I couldn't go to a gallery opening with him because I had to come to this dinner. My dad begged me to come because he felt like I had been distant the past weeks. He's not wrong, I've spent most of my time with Nico and it's been great. Better than I could ask for.

Now thinking back, maybe I should have gone with Nico. Being with him doesn't make me feel like a failure. I reach for the faucet and my eyes land on a yellow pill bottle with Sabrina's name on it. The drug name is unfamiliar but Sabrina recently had surgery for her appendix. Probably a painkiller. I turn on the water and let it run before picking up the bottle. The little round pills on the inside remind me of the one's Chester used to give me. I run my finger over the cap, thinking how easy it would be to escape the feeling of failure. My dad would never forgive me, and maybe he would blame Sabrina for leaving the pills out in the open.