Shut Up And Kiss Me (gxg)

42. I Want You To F*ck Me

"Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it's all a male fantasy: that you're strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur."

―Margaret Atwood

Sex scenes are important. Especially in wlw romance. And not just for obvious reasons―but because you should know what to expect, and not from something in fiction that's idealized, or unrealistic. So much of lesbian sex is fetishized in the media, made by straight men for straight men. And yeah. This is Wattpad. This is, in all its technicalities, smut. 

But the first time I read that quote, something clicked. Maybe I have a voyeur inside my head―maybe we all do, every one of you reading this―but if you're here, that means you like women. (I mean ... come on. If you've made it this far, there's no pretense of straightness here. And who could blame you? Girls.) And though liking women is perfectly ordinary, there's something special about it, too. I think there's a freedom that comes with the newness of lesbians in the media, and it's this: Nobody has told women how to love other women yet. There's no right or wrong way of having a girlfriend. There are no gender roles to adhere to. Sex is however you define it. Your relationship is however you define it. And the intimacy of loving another girl is indescribable.

So, I know, maybe I'm boring you to tears. But here it is at last: a sex scene between Talia and Monroe. 

Because maybe Margaret Atwood was right, but maybe she was wrong, too. We don't have to live with a voyeur inside our heads forever, a woman watching a man watching a woman. And I hope this is one step closer to living a life uninhibited by the male gaze.

***

        MEET ME AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER POOL.

        I read the words, over and over, until they blurred into a tangle of black letters and blue-white screen. Beneath it, there was one more text:

        Come at midnight.

        Monroe had sent the message less than an hour ago. But I still hadn't responded. After our fight last week, things had been a little tense. On Friday, in just three days, she would be coming over for dinner with my family.

        The community center was closed. I knew that for a fact. What was she planning to do? Break in?

        I shook my head, laying two bikinis on the bed. One was a warm yellow, with a triangular design that just barely held my breasts from spilling out. The other was a coral red, with straps that crisscrossed over my hips and abdomen.

        After I called her, Skylar answered on the first ring. It had been a week since Lila had broken up with her, and I knew she was trying hard to stay cheerful.

        "Talia?"

        "I'm meeting Monroe at the community center pool in an hour," I said. "I need your help picking a bathing suit."

        "Oh, the yellow or red?"

        "Yeah. I don't know what to pick."

        "Well, what are you going for?"