Shut Up And Kiss Me (gxg)

39. F*ck Boyfriends

THERE WAS A FIRE in the backyard.

I'd figured it was only a matter of time, earlier, when I'd seen how tipsy all the seniors were, playing around with fireworks. But it came to my attention when I stepped back from Monroe, when the world filtered back in.

There was a fire in the backyard, and a boy with hazel eyes staring at me from across the lawn.

It occurred to me that the fire was probably the reason he'd seen me. Seen us.

Next to him, I noticed Skylar and Cody, too. Three figures, cut in shadow, dark against the golden light of the kitchen behind them. They stood so ominously for a moment that I was terrified they'd judge me—that they'd hate me forever.

Maybe I was Bella Swan, about to be tortured by the Volturi.

After all, I had broken up with Aaron only hours ago. And now I was kissing the girl I'd sworn was my enemy.

For one whole moment, I could feel my heartbeat, radiating from my chest to my fingertips, roaring so loudly in my ears that I could hear nothing else.

I was only aware of Monroe, touching my hand lightly, and I knew that even if everyone else in the world hated me, I still had her.

But please, please don't hate me.

Aaron took one step towards me, and I imagined the anger that would contort his face. The fury that would darken his features.

Instead, he laughed.

"What?" I said weakly, but I was laughing now too. "What's so funny?"

"I'm gay," he told me.

And then I really did laugh. "I'm a lesbian."

He had crossed the distance of the lawn, and now he pulled me into a hug that felt just—right, somehow. Because there was no pretense of romance, no need to be what neither of us were. His chest shook, and I squeezed him tighter. Here. Here was my best friend. I hadn't lost him.

"We really are such fucking idiots, aren't we?" I mumbled into his letterman jacket.

"Yeah," he said. "We really fucking are."

"I'm sorry," I said into his chest. "I think I was using you, in some way, because I thought that―that you were the perfect boy for me―and if I didn't like you―I'd really have to admit I didn't like boys at all."

Aaron's scent, cedar and pine, was home. He said, "I think I figured it out when I kissed you for the first time. Remember the bleachers and the football field? I was ecstatic. Because it felt like―I think I knew, then. That I didn't like girls. But then . . . I doubted myself. Maybe I just needed to give it time, but then I gave it time, and I tried my best―to play the part of a perfect boyfriend. You know, goodnight texts and I love you's and kissing. I'm sorry. If I didn't notice you weren't happy, it's because I think I felt the same way."

We had both just been trying our best to be something we weren't.

Finally, I stepped back from Aaron. Cody and Skylar were watching me with something like bewilderment.

Then Skylar's expression morphed into mischief. "You finally did it, Decker. You kissed Monroe fucking Kingston."

Cody clapped me on the back, and I glanced back, where I knew Monroe was standing.

She seemed amused, with her jade eyes dark and her mouth edged in a smirk.

"Yeah," I said. "I kissed Monroe fucking Kingston."