I can't have you

Part 19

 Everything cramps together. My heart hurts so much that it's probably on the verge of breaking. My body shakes with a strength that is transmitted to the bed beneath me. My breathing is spasmodic, irregular and cuts through my lungs. Through the thick tears that roll down my face and wet everything they touch, I can see next to nothing. My eyelashes are stuck together by the salty liquid. I breathe in with a heavy breath, that doesn't seem to reach my lungs at all and sobs escape my mouth again and again. My mind is empty and blanc. The only thing that seems to find a place to stay in there is one thought. Why did he do that to me?

I keep gurgling as I ponder this question. The only way I can explain it, is that I tell myself I am worthless and that people like to use me for their own needs for that reason. 

I am lying in bed now and my throat is tightening more and more, breathing is also becoming more and more difficult. In the end everything goes black, but I can't tell if I just fell asleep or if I lost consciousness. In any case, from then on there is a gap in my head.

Timeskip next day

I wake up to the sound of a little voice in my head. This voice isn't unfamilliar to me. I hear it more often these days.

 "What would happen if you disappear? You do notice that it takes you so much more strengh to do the smallest things lately? You either don't sleep enough or way too much. You're compleatly unhappy with yourself all the time. You deal with headches or stomachaches all the time don't you? Maybe you die anytime soon? You should feel really guilty about all the things you ever done in your life, about all the decisions you ever made. You're limbs feel heavy right? Almost like you're walking through concrete. You're much more irritable than usual, maybe someone will notice? You worry so much, about everything, do you still think this is normal? Don't you think these are all symptoms of bad depression?"

Meanwhile the voice said all it had to say, i woke up and sat up in my bed. I shouldn't have done that. It feels like a hammer banged right between my eyebrows. Everythings hurts. Not just my body, my whole inner life. Did it break?

Well if you look at it, it only makes sense. I think the last time I ate something was two or even three days ago and the last time I drank some water was also yesterday morning. Damn it Satori, take care of your useless body already. 

As I try to get out of my bed and to walk to the bathroom, I realize that my entire body is numb. I can feel next to nothing. I don't see a way for me out of bed right now, So i decide to stay at home for today. It's probably the best anyways, else i would've had to face Ushijima.

The thought of Ushijima brings back the memories i had lost of yesterday. I can already feel my temparture sinking and my body shivering. NO! Not now, not again and actually not at all!

I try to hold everything in. I turn on some music and lay back in my bed. I'm cold, I'm so fricking cold. I'm carving for a warm body, which could close mine in it's big arms, shich could give me it's warmth and share it's calmness. I'm carving for Wakatoshi.

I must've fall asleep again, because when i wake up my alarm already says 4:00 pm. I slept nearly the whole day. The voice was right, I either sleep not enough or way too much. But still, I don't feel refreshed at all, I feel even more tired than before. 

I guess I chatched a cold, I got all the symptoms. I cough, i have a headache, a really bad one actually, and i have a fever, a bad one as well. My eyes are on the verge to closing again as i spot something. First of all there's a cup of tea on my nightstannd and it's still pretty warm, I touched it to check, which is weird, because I never made a cup of tea, exept I did it in my sleep which I doubt. Secon there's a wet towel on my bedsheet. It must've fall of my head when i was moving in my sleep, but as i touch my forhead which is still a bit wet i know that it was there before. The third thing is a lunchbox with a little letter underneath it. I collect all of my strengh and push myslef out of my bed. I feel extreamly dizzy and I neeed to hold onto my wall for not falling. The headache doesn't help at all.

I open the lunchbox. There's porridge as well as onigiris. I pull on the letter and read it.

"I hope you feel alright, I left you a meal (make sure to eat everything!) and some medicine (It is on your desk -->)" 

I turn my head and look to my desk. There's a white paperbag with a pharmacy logo on it. I turn my head back to the letter to continue reading.

" It's jasmine tea, I hope it suits your taste. I dizzeled the wet towel with some lavender to calm you, you looked like you were having nightmares :( Get better soon! Sincearly your M.B!"

At some point it scares me that soneone was here while i was sleeping M.B who could that be? On the other hand I get the feeling it's someone i know, someone i know well. Either someone broke in my house, or they knew wehre I always leave a spare key. The second option looks much more realistic to me if we look at it with the context. 

i don't know if it's the lavender oil in my towel, or the jasmine tea, ore the smell of the food in the lunchbox, or if it was the medicine i took, but I feel a little warmer now...