I can't have you

part 10

I can sense it, 10 minutes before it actually happens.

My tear ducts fill.  My thorat pulls together.

I lie on my bed and I can feel my vision getting blurry, as well as my hands shaking like crazy. I know I should be used to this by now but lately it's getting harder to love with it. I can feel the bad energy buildiung up inside me through out the day and it's driving me crazy. The last thing I want, is to break down in front of people. I can't stand any pity because it makes me feel weaker than I already do. 

My thorat tightens adn the tears that were stuck in my eyes finally made their way out and are now running down my face. My sight truned totally black in the meantime and suddenly i can't hear anything anymore. Everything sounds dull and it scares the hell out of me. I can feel my body shivering and shaking and i can feel my chest pulling together, becausde of breathing difficultys. I can feel that all but i can't hear it. I can't hear my sobbs. I can't hear my hard breathing sounds. That's the reason why I start to panic even more. 

Why.. Why can't I hear it?

At the time i slowsly start to loose my awareness my head's empty. Everything is empty. I can't think of anything. Nothing but one thing.

The one thing i can think about in this situation if fear is a person. The prson is Ushijima. I think about the urge i feel to lie in his arms right now. In his strong arms. I want to feel his arms wrapped around my body, I want to feel his body warmth and I want to feel his fingers drawing little patterns on my back while I snuggle into his big chest.  I want to feel his breath in my hair while he burries his face in them. I want to touch him in any ways possible. I want our bodies to become one and to connect.

I don't deny it anymore, i finally realized what was going on with me these past days and probably much longer already.

I fell in love with my best friend and i can't remember how or when it even happened. I just know it's real and that's what scares me the most, more than to loose him. It's my biggest fear. 

Those feelings i have make me feel light and heavy at the same time. When i think about being with him, i forget about the world. I think i'd be able to feel something again, just from being with my Ushijima. 

It feels good but also hurts so very bad that i get the feeling my heart's going to explode. At this point I don't know anything anymore. I just know that i love Ushijima, i adore him.

So here i lie, in the middle of a panic attack, laughing trough my tears. My eyes are full of love for a person, i could never have.