I can't have you

Strange thoughts

I'm sitting on a bench next to the volleyball field. I still can't practise because of my foot. Actually it healed, but Ushijima doesn't want be to practise already. It's cute that he's worried about my health and all, but i love to practise and it's so boring just to watch. 

I can feel my thoughts drifting away and i can't focus on practise. Shirabu is setting a ball to Ushi right now. Ushi jumps, his body is tensing up. his left arm strikes out to hit the ball. I can see his body muscels, every single one. His dark eyes are focused. I understand why Mila's interested in him. He's tall and has an amazing body. His face is beautiful and his eyes flicker so mysteroius in their dark-green colour. His personality is great. His lips seem so soft and he has a striking chin. His hair flows so softly and it looks so soft that you just want to touch it. I want to follow the contours on his face and on every feature on his body, i want to-- WAIT! I don't want any of this! My face is flushing red and i give myself a punch in the face. At least i do that in my thoughts. Of course you can find your best friend attractive, but to think his lips are soft is just a bit too much. My heart's beating like crazy and i don't know why. It's a feeling that's totally new for me and i never felt it before.

Ok if i'm being honest it's not that new. Lately I find myself thinking something like that more often. The beating heart just started to appear one the when i was hanging out with ushi. 

I'm scared that i might think something absurd again, so i decide to leave the gym. I pack my stuff and walk out of the hall. My face's still red and i'm too embaressed to look at anything besides the floor. Why am i thinking about those things? I just can't seem to find an answer and that scares me a little.