I can't have you

Part 14

"Do you feel like drinking something? And maybe eat something too!" Shirabu looks up to me while we're walking down a street in the middle of our town. He's holding the hand of Semi, the taller one looks at his boyfriend with mesmerized eyes. Gosh you must love them, they're the cutest. 

"Actually i'm weather hungry nor thirsty, so i don't need anything." 

The real reason is that i kinda got myslef into a dumb strategy to not feel mentally unstable. Not eating. I know it's stupid and that i already lost too much weight just from my attacks alone, but i can't find a better way than starving myself. Of course, self harm helps too but not in the daytime where everyone can see it. 

"Are you sure? You kinda lost weight, i don't want you to get any thinner." Semi interferes himself.  "He's right, are you not eating well these days?" I know that Shirabu knows exactly that i'm not eating well, actually we all three do but until the day comes when i can talk openly about my problems, it's more pleasant for me to just lie. 

"I just didin't got to eat much because of school." I laugh it off with a smile, a smile that doesn't reach my eyes. "But if you're hungry i'm not gonna hold you back, just go i'll go with you."

"There it is, they serve delicious coffe , let's go inside." Shirabu points at a little caffe past the street. "Sure why not." I say. Shirabu drags Semi who still holds his hand down the road, towards the door.

As i walk behind them i spot someone through the window right before the fron door. A guy with green hair who holds the hand of a girl with cherry blossom hair. Ushijima and Mila.  DAMN IT! Why can't i just go for one day without feeling miserable because of my love for a ceratin boy. 

"Uhm, maybe we should go to a different one.." They both saw the couple inside the cafe, and i assume they both know about my feelings even though i never told them. It must be so obvious, how embarrassing. 

"Why? Everythings fine." Another smile that doesn't suit me at all. Why do i even fake it?

"Tendou, you don't have to hide it you know? 

Something breaks, the facade i wore for such a long time, finally breaks. The tears i held back over the daytime strat to burst out. I can't controle my voice nor my sobs. I start to shiver and i loose my balance. I try to grab something, anything. I couldn't see because of my blurry eyesight, but i managed to get a hold of something so i don't fall. It's a person.

"Woah, careful baby boy."

This is besides Ushijima, probably the least person i wanted to see right now. Lihuan...

"Let go of him" Semi grabs the wrist of my ex-boyfriend and looks frightening. 

"Calm down, i was just helping him, else he would be lying on the floor now, you should thank me." His smugly grin makes me wanna puke. Why does he have to see me like this after i said to him that i'm not weak anymore. I must look like a total wreck to him that can't keep its life together. 

"Uh-oh.I hope it's his sister or something. Otherwise you should start to worry." I don't know what he's talking about so i ask him in confusion with a still breaking voice, "What do you mean?" The grin just grows bigger, "Well isn't that your boyfriend in there?" He points into the cafe where Ushijima and Mila are still holding hands. 

"Is he talking about Ushijima?" Semi slaps away Lihuans hands and pulls me into his arms. It's like they're fighting over some toy. Still i feel way better in Semis arms. I grab onto Semis clothes so i don't fall.

"Apparently i am, i thought they were dating, am i wrong Satori?"

"Don't call him that." Shirabu glares into the blue haired eyes. "Don't call him by his first name you dope:" Shirabu doesn't look like it but he can be really rude sometimes.

An idea popps into my head. It's probably the most stupid thing I, or any person could do, but i just can't find a better solution. I already hate myself for want i want to do.

"It's ok Shirabu, he helped me which i'm thankful for." The words come out before i could even think the idea through. Well now it's too late to step back, i have to do it either way. "Please go in the cafe, i'll come later but right now i want to talk to Lihuan here." I don't wait for their response, I turn around to face my ex, he has a smile on his lips, a smile that should frighten me to death, but somehow it doesn't. Guess i'm already too destroyed to be scared by anything, i don't really have emotions anymore which is why i can't get frightened anymore. 

"Look who spoke up for himself... Do you want me to help you?" Of course he said that, of course he knows what the stupid idea in my head is and of course he's going to take advantage of it. 

"Yes...please.." i don't look up as i say these two words i should never have said.