I can't have you

part 11

I rarely get to spend time with Ushijima and i'ts better that way. Else my feelings, i just recently realized i have, will grow stronger. And that way he wouldn't be able to see the scars, the new ones i mean. They kind of started to apear again. Probably because i can't feel anything lately, neither myself nor any feelings, just fear and a black hole onside of me. This hole grew bigger a long time ago, the time i was still living with my dad, i mean acfter my mom died. It started to grow bigger everyday and kind of resached its limit at the moment, i was sexually harassed by my ex-boyriend. You know the one from the club. 

I thought it couldn't grow bigger anymore because it already filled my hole body with its emptyness, but i was wrong. Last week when i realized my love for that one guy, it managed to get even bigger. Now i can feel it in my toes and in my fingers. It fills me up inside and i feel the urge to puke it all out, but it wouldn't help, trust me i tried enough before. 

That's why i needed to cut trough my body, i wanted to feel myself again and because i can't be with Ushi, which would help me, i have to do that. I can feel my arms, my legs and my stomach ache because of the lines that define them now. I lost much blood yesterday, so i took some pills, i actually found them in the old stuff of my mother and they seemed to be ok.

Ushi started to go on many dates with this Mila girl and it drives me carzy. Now that i'm sure about my feelings i'm so mad at myself for introducing them to each other. But at the same time i know it's better this way. What could i do about it anyways, I can't just walk up to him and tell him i don't want him to meet her anymore without a specific reason. Well actually i have this specific reason but i could never tell him. Ushi would look at me in disgust, he would never want to talk to me anymore. 

Huh, why does it have to be so compliacated? Why do i have these stupid feelings, why do i have to be so disgusting? Why do i loose my heart to the only person i could never feel uniting with me?

If i would tell him, my heart would squeze inside his hands. Even though i truly love him, which hurts very bad, i can't stop him from going out with other people. I don't deserve Ushijima, i never have and i never will.

"Tendou, you should just stop breathing. Everything would be so much easier." As i sday this to myself my eyes close and i slowly drift into sleep.