Song of the Day: No Matter the Season by Sara Keys
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It's raining today. The sound is beckoning but I refrain from stepping a foot outside. Wilbur is down stairs with Karl and Alex eating food.
I've eaten a bit more as every day goes by but it's still difficult to force the food down my throat. I try to think that the food is delicious or that it could possibly taste good but nothing seems to cure the tugging in my chest that causes me to throw up.
Tommy's there sometimes to help me through it whilst other times Wilbur comforts me with a TV show or something to distract me.
It's slowly getting better, a decrease in gagging every now and then and a bit more food has become appealing. To be honest, I miss enjoying a meal with Wilbur or Karl and Alex. When I go to The Hive I often throw away the sweet Tommy gives me after one bite. He doesn't know, it would break his heart.
The last thing I want to do is hurt his heart in any way. I hate to see him cry, he is the one person I can trust fully. He now knows about my parents and how they treated me. When I told him he understood and was forgiven for lying about the location of my house. I regret the lie, I never want to lie to him again.
I tell myself the same lie, though. It's ok, it's ok, it's ok.
It will get better.
Tomorrow will be different.
I haven't been ok for a while. The world still fights against my will to live, it loves to kill my spirit in things I used to love to do.
It won't get better, every day I wake up with the same thoughts as the day before. What has changed? The room that I sleep in or address I put on a website to ship a product to? The only reason those changed is due to the death of my parents, and that hasn't made anything better, if at all it made life worse.
Tomorrow might be different. I might actually get out of my bed and walk downstairs to eat some food that a few hours later will end up in the bathroom sink. Maybe I'll visit Tommy. He's like therapy. An unknown therapy that is.
He makes the weight in my chest lighter but it returns once his grasp on my hand retaliates, leaving a cold absence behind.
I don't think things have changed much from when Tommy asked me to be his girlfriend about a week ago. He's very happy about it, that's for sure. I am too.
We have become more intimate with each other, such as telling stories of when we were toddlers, even going as far as to expose a few fears. He doesn't like being lonely. I can understand that. I told him about the fear of losing more.
Before, the fear hadn't been an issue. It wasn't even present. But then the string of events starting with almost losing Tommy stretching to losing my parents sparked a deep fear.
I like to know where Alex and Karl are at all times. I call Tommy frequently to make sure he's ok. When Wilbur isn't home I perseverate on his return, if he'll return. It's become difficult to go a single day without the recurring thought of losing my friends.
They're ok, though. Every time I ask they report that they are perfectly fine. They say the words with such ease, it has me wondering if there's even anything to worry about. But I thought there was nothing to worry about when my parents left.
The world is unpredictable. One minute you'll have everything you could want and the next you've lost it. Or maybe you have nothing and you gain more, whether it be money, success, or happiness; they're all something everyone craves and needs. Sometimes it's different, though.
Sometimes you're in the middle, fighting. Grasping and desperately trying to keep a hold on the things you love because without them you'll be lost. Without them I simply feel detached.
Without the loving and kind words from Karl, the stupid but needed jokes from Alex, advice from Wilbur, the joy from Tubbo, and the love from Tommy I feel heartless.
They make the pieces to my heart beat day in and day out. Without one of them, I'll begin to fall apart slowly. For now, I remain stable and trying, I remain fighting.
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WATTPAD WON'T LET ME MAKE THINGS ITALIC ON MY PHONE AND IT MAKES ME UPSET.
Water water water
And my apologies for not uploading. I was sleeping. 😌 AS YOU ALL SHOULD. SLEEP.
any grammar mistakes will be fixed tomorrow I'm just lazy right now.
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