On The Way

𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝟤𝟨

TW// Slight mentions of Self Harm

Billies•POV

"Now Kaylee.. let's move on to you."

I can see that made Kaylee a little nervous. And her getting nervous made me nervous.

"We've discussed many things during our private sessions. I kind of want to touch base on how your feeling first. And how Billie's actions have affected you."

I seen her nod and take a deep breath before beginning to speak.

"Well.. Ever since I told her about how I saw Jazmine at the party, she's treated me so badly. I never would've tolerated her behavior towards me if I didn't feel like I deserved it. I felt so guilty for what happened to those people. Just thinking about the physical and emotional pain, the explosion caused to so many people, keeps me up at night."

I frowned at her words. I tend to treat Kaylee like shit when I feel myself losing control of situations. I sabotage my relationships because it seems to be the only thing I have control over.

The reason why I was so emotionally and verbally manipulative and abusive towards Kaylee is for a handful of reasons.

I hated myself for doing something so stupid that could've easily been prevented if I would've just not cheated, and actually talked out my issues with Kaylee.

I hated that how she was the only one to ever make me feel that pain that I hadn't felt in so long, before she broke up with me. I hated feeling weak.. I hate feeling weak.

I projected all the anger I had for myself towards her. It made me feel like I was in control.

I know I should've never blamed Kaylee for what happened at the festival. Truth be told I knew deep down inside that she didn't mean any harm by not telling me Jazmine was back in the picture.

I just decided to projected all my anger towards her so I wouldn't slip into a dark depression. I knew that if I let myself be angry at myself, I would've started cutting again.

And I'd do anything not to go back to doing that. My mindset was so dark back then. So scary. So lost. So numb.

The idea of my babies being harmed and put in danger because of me, is one of the few things that could've broke me.

So I decided to be angry.

I hate being sad.

I rather be angry than sad.

I just needed someone to blame. Someone to punish.
Jazmine had already got caught so what could I possibly do to punish her? So I chose Kaylee.

Once again instead of opening up to her.. I decided to punish her.

"Like I said Kaylee, you had no idea that, that was going to happen. So stop blaming yourself. The only person you need to blame is Jazmine," Dr, CJ said.

I saw Kaylee put her head down and nod while playing with her fingers. I grabbed her fingers and squeezed them just like she did mine.

She looked up and gave me a small smile, before redirecting her attention to Dr.CJ.

"How do you feel about you and Billies relationship?"