Probably, Maybe Not A Good Idea

Part Seventy

Jess’ POV

The next morning I was back at the hostel, sitting in the makeshift office I’d created and counting out the profits from the night before. Scott was busying stocking the bar and teaching two of the new bartenders how to make some fancier drinks.

“Jess!” he shouted through.

“Yeah?”

“Someone’s here to see you!”

“Send them back.”

I continued to count out all of the coins in the pile that I’d been working on, not looking up until the door snapped shut.

“Hi.” I looked up to see Aston stood there in a thick coat, a beanie on his head.

“Hi.”

“Listen, I’m sorry I said that last night. I didn’t mean to mock you,” he said, sitting in the spare chair and shrugging out of his coat, “I guess I got caught in the moment.”

“It’s alright,” I replied with a sigh.

“You aren’t going to apologize for bouncing me?”

“No.”

“You’re a piece of work.”

“I know,” I mumbled.

A silence fell as I continued to count the coins in front of me. I really didn’t want to speak to Aston about anything else, but I knew my time avoiding the inevitable conversation had come to an end.

“Jessica Rego, can we talk frankly for a few minutes?” he asked seriously. The look on his face was so solemn that I just couldn’t say no.

I let out a deep sigh, “Fine, let’s hear it.”

“I’m trying so hard to figure out what I can do to get you back now that you’re home,” Aston said, “I know you’re dead set on not getting back together with me, but you won’t tell me why. And until I know I’m just going to keep trying.”

“Aston…”

“I apologized to you,” he continued, “For not believing you. Rochelle told me the truth right as you were going to the airport and I sped like hell to get there. I ran all over looking for you, but all I found was Evan and Noah looking like they’d just lost everything. I’ve waited a year and a half for you to come home so I can apologize to you and tell you that you’re the only girl that’s ever on my mind… But you won’t listen.”

“Because you hurt me more than you realize,” I said simply.

“You’ve said that, but I don’t know how.”

“Think about it Aston.”

He sat in silence for a minute, his eyes closed. I wasn’t positive, but I thought he was replaying our fight over in his head. Hell, I’d done that enough times.

“I know,” he whispered.

“What?”

“It was when you said… you said you loved me.”

“Yeah, and you looked me in the eyes, told me I was a mess, and walked away,” I replied, “That was very kind of you.”

“Jess… It was in the heat of the moment! I was upset! I was scared! I didn’t mean it!”

“But you did it.”

“I’m sorry,” Aston said, “I just… That whole fight blew up because I was scared that I wasn’t the guy for you. I thought maybe you were still holding a flame in your heart for this Cooper guy and I was just the one you were with because you couldn’t have him. I wasn’t there when everything happened, so when I saw the pictures I had to figure it out for myself… And I guess I picked the worst cased scenario because I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. I never thought I was good enough for you.”

“Aston…”

“I was beyond devastated by what I saw, I couldn’t see past it, all my insecurities were bubbling up,” he whispered, “You didn’t deserve to be treated like you were… I should have trusted you. But I was so upset thinking that maybe I wasn’t the one. That maybe deep down that ex of yours would always hold the key to your heart and I would only ever be second best.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“Jess I love you so fucking much it kills me,” Aston said seriously, his eyes filling up with what looked like tears, “I can’t lose you. I really can’t. And I freaked out when everything happened because I thought I already had.”

“I was always yours,” I said quietly.

“I’m so sorry,” he said again.

I nodded my head gently, willing back the tears. I’d told myself I was never going to cry over this again. I needed to be strong now.

“Say something.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I said, “Honestly. I told you I love you, but you didn’t believe me… You called me a mess. And then you left.”

“So that’s it? There isn’t anything I can do to fix this?” he asked.

“I can’t forget that moment,” I sighed, “It haunts my dreams all of the time. I wanted things between us to work so badly and then when you accused me of cheating, it hurt like hell. And more than that I wanted to tell you that I loved you so much, but I was scared that you wouldn’t feel the same. So when that actually happened… it killed me. I don’t know what you can do to bring me back.”

“I’ll do anything,” Aston said.

“How can you prove to me that I should give you my heart back? I really don’t see what you can do Aston, I was beyond devastated and going away only sort of healed those wounds. How do I know you’re truly committed to fixing everything we had and that you’ll never hurt me like that again?”

“Jess…” Aston croaked out, clearly choked up by what was going on.

“You said your piece and I said mine,” I replied, trying to gain control of the emotional situation. “We know where the other stands now, so how about you go so we can synthesize this information.”

“Ok,” Aston replied, defeated, “Thanks for finally speaking to me.”

“Yes well, now I have to think of something horrible to do to you to make up for it,” I said wryly.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Aston said, letting out a small, forced laugh.

“I just don’t think it’s gonna work again Ast,” I told him as he slipped his coat on.

“No, you’re wrong. I’m going to prove to you that we’re meant to be together,” Aston said, “Just wait.”

I forced a smile on my face as he left, laying my head on my desk as the door clicked shut behind him. I’d rehearsed those words over in my head a million times, but hearing them out loud they seemed wrong. Like I was going about this all wrong. Hell, I wanted to get back with Aston, I really did. But I was just so scared of getting hurt again. So, I put up my defenses, doing what I do best. Causing as much trouble as possible.