For What It's Worth

Chapter Thirty Seven : Lovesick

"And now I'm going to do something that's going to make me feel stupid." My stomach twists with nerves, unsure of what he's going to say. I can't even predict it.

"You were gone and it was torture. For the whole time. All I could think about was losing you. Losing the little golden flecks in your eyes or the dimples in your cheeks when you smile at the jokes I make that aren't even that funny. Or the squeal you make when you laugh hard enough, your vanilla smell that literally tormented me." He pauses with half a chuckle.

"The way you roll you eyes at me. Your baking, how I hate it when you read because it means I don't have your total, undivided attention. All I could think about was how much I am obsessed with every single part of you and how much I'd struggle without each and every one of them." A breath quietly catches in my throat.

"As embarrassing as it is for me to admit it, and even if you don't consciously know it, I just had to say it."

I'm holding back tears, my heart breaking and mending all at once. I feel so guilty for what's happened and even more so that I'm holding him at arms-length.

He moves around again, letting out a shaky breath before snuggling into the mattress. I blink the tears down my cheeks and silently smile to myself. I can't help but wonder if he's done this before and if he has, how many times has he done it while I've actually be asleep.

The pleasant thought and his kind, heart-warming words calm down my racing mind enough for me to eventually drift off into a peaceful slumber.

**

Stretching my arms in front of me, I let out a yawn, then a groan and then a sniff. Rolling over to the middle of the bed, Thomas isn't there. My heart twinges at his absence. I feel terrible after what he said last night.

Each night I've been sleeping better and better, the past two nights have been the only times I haven't had a nightmare. Shamefully, I swing my legs out of bed, throw on a hoodie and then go out into the apartment.

I hear Thomas making his protein shake in the kitchen so I make my way towards that direction. I pause in the archway, resting my head on the door frame. He's just in a pair of grey sweatpants, his muscular, toned chest golden and tanned underneath the light.

"Morning." I speak softly so I don't startle him. He lifts his head up at the sound of my voice and offers me a smile.

"Hey. How'd you sleep?" He questions, stirring through his shake..

"Really well actually. Best night I've had in a while." I fold my arms over my own body.

"Oh good! That's great." He beams and then returns back to cutting up some kale so he doesn't have to look at me. He's acting as if nothing is any different, despite his confessions last night. 

"And you?" I ask, breaking the silence. "Did you sleep alright?"

"Yeah. Out like a light pretty much." He nods and I chew on the inside of my mouth. Now when I look at him, I feel bad, I feel like I'm punishing him.

After he's confirmed how he feels I know that we're going to be okay and things are good between us but I'm holding myself back and it's becoming unfair. Unfair on him and both of us. I crave everything about him but I'm too scared to cross that line again so soon after what happened.

In my mind, I'm made of glass, still too fragile. But I want to fix things before it's too late because then I really could push him away to the point of not getting him back and that's the last thing I want.

"What are you doing today? Any plans?" I step forwards into the kitchen, stopping the other side of the island, opposite him.

"I've got class at lunch. I'm going to go to the gym afterwards, hence..." He gestures to his shake. "That's about it. Why?" A concerned, worried glimmer fills his green eyes. "Do you want me out the apartment?"