Chasing Chances

Preamble

"Bakit ka pa kasi pumunta Sache?"

I looked at her intently like she said something crazy. Despite of being hurt  I stood straight and look at them. I watched them avoided their gaze at me and mumbled something. I felt the familiar pain I've felt before. The wondrous pain of the past devoured me for the second time. But the difference was it's not the only pain I am feeling but also the feeling of regrets and jealousy.

I looked at the shattered glass on the floor. Looking at it makes me think that I was like the broken glass. When I was whole they took care of me not to shatter, but now that I am shattered into pieces they forgot about me, they didn't mind picking every piece and tried to fix it. The thought makes my chest tightened.

Why do I push myself to them? In the first place, I've already known that I did not belong to them anymore, that I have no right to be here and face them. That the fact that we'd spent together was already done, we found the chain that will tie us apart from each other. And I can't do anything to change the fate of us breaking apart.

"Sorry, " sa katahimikang nangingibabaw ay nakapag-salita na ako. Hindi ko alam kung nakailang buntong hininga ako bago masambit ang katagang iyon.

"Sorry? For what? You are sorry for what, huh, Sache?"

Natigil ako sa katanungan na 'yun. Saan nga ba ako humihingi ng tawad. Ang simpleng tanong ay hindi ko alam ang sagot. Naguguluhan ako.

"Are you saying sorry because you broke the glass? Or for coming here and the fact that you're not even invited—"

"Sel, stop it, "

"—Or for being a coward and didn't have the guts to explain why the hell you did that before? "

Selestine didn't mind Reign and continued talking. I want to make her stop and tell the truth to her— to them, but I can't. I am a fucking lawyer but I can't defend myself.

"S-sele—"

"Shut the fuck up, you have no right to call my name so don't you dared pronounced even one syllable of my name. "

I was stunned by her words which makes me shivered as the tears started to fill my eyes. Kailangan ko pang tumikhim para lang mawala ang bara sa lalamunan ko. I don't want to admit but it was so hard. Ang hirap.

"Ang daya mo Sache, ikaw itong nanakit pero ikaw pa itong umalis. Ikaw itong may kasalanan pero ikaw pa ang may ganang..... Ang daya mo, ang daya daya mo. "

"H-hindi, "

Staring at her while crying out loud and pushing me slowly makes me cried too. I let her pushed me. Hinayaan ko siyang sabihin at gawin ang gusto niya kung iyon ang makakagaan ng loob niya. Kung iyon ang sa tingin niyang tama. Walang pumigil sa kanya kahit si Reign ay hindi na muling sumubok pahintuin siya.

Sa huling tulak niya ay hindi ko na pigilan ang sariling huwag matumba. Ramdam ko ang sakit ng palapulsuhan ko ng maitukod ko ito upang huwag tuluyang mapahiga. Nang makita niya ang sitwasyon ko ay doon na siya tumigil. Sa pag-iyak ko ay doon siya natauhan, akmang lalapit pero muli rin huminto sa huli.

Inayos ko ang suot kong coat at itiniklop ng kunti ang manggas nito upang makita ang namamaga ko nang kamay. Rinig ko ang pag-singhap nila, ang pagtawag ni Reign sa pangalan ko at ang akmang paglapit ni Luther sa pwesto ko. Alam kong hindi dahil sa namamaga kong kamay kaya napasinghap sila, kundi dahil sa katotohanang may mahabang peklat doon.

Right, I do fucking hurt myself. I do slash my wrist and got a scar after.

Akmang itatago ko na ulit iyon gamit ang manggas ng coat ko ng may kamay na humawak niyon. Ang kanyang pamilyar na haplos ay nagbigay ng ginhawa sakin. Hindi ko man siya tingnan ay alam ko na kung sino siya.

"What the hell did you do to yourself?  Sache? " sa halip na sagutin siya ay tiningnan ko siya ng mabuti.

Mula sa espasyo naming dalawa ay muli kong nasulyapan ang mahahaba niyang pilikmata at makakapal na kilay. Ang kanyang matangos na ilong na noon ay palagi kong kinukurot. Ang mapupula niyang labi na minsan nang naging akin. At ang perpektong panga niya na ang gandang tingnan kapag umiigting. Sa pagtitig ko sa kanya ay hindi ko napansin ang muling pagtulo ng mga luha ko.

"L-levis, " hindi ko ininda kung pumiyok ako all I know is that I want to call his name. And I did it.

I stared at him again and looked for something. I was looking for the emotions I want to see but I didn't see any trace of emotions coming from him. The smile he was wearing always has left his eyes. I can't see the spark of his eyes when our eyes met.
And it hurts me.

Realization hits me.

That he was no longer mine. That I have no right to touch him because someone owned him. He was not my property anymore, and it kills me.

Inalis ko ang pagkakahawak niya sa pulsuhan ko at unti-unting tumayo. Tumayo din siya at tiningnan ako ng mariin. Ngayong nasa harapan ko siya ay hindi ko mawari kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. Ang tapang na dati kong inihanda nang matagal ay unti unting naglaho, at ang emosyon na matagal ko nang kinalimutan ay muling bumalik at unti unting ginising ako sa reyalidad, na kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya ay walang nagbago, hindi nawala kung hindi ay nanatili at ngayon na nasa harapan ko siya ay muli itong namutawi. Tumikhim ako bago nagsalita.

"Sorry for entering this place without permission and for interrupting your party— no I'm sorry for ruining your party, don't worry it would be the last time, I would never attend every party of our batch. And let's say that it would be the final peek, and final words of us. I promise not to walk on the same path as yours. Sorry, goodbye. " I turned my back and walked away from them, from the people I used to spend many things with. To the people who see the worst of me. To the people, I called my new family.

I harshly swept the tears in my eyes and continue walking not minding the eyes that eyeing me.  At this point, I was lost, I can't find my way back home, I lost myself and can not be found. I'm was crushed also and didn't know if I could fix my own again. But the worst of all, I don't know if I'm still worth it in—

Chasing Chances