1991

1991 Part 49

I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by
Some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I sear
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin
Round my head
I'm spinning
Oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away

I don't feel able to look at him anymore, seeing him like this feels like an intrusion. His voice is too urgent, too desperate, the pain he is conveying is so tangible every heart in the room is simultaneously breaking in two. I expect to hear the sound of tearing. I look away, putting my head down to fiddle with the label on my bottle, peeling strips away with my nails. I realise my cheeks are wet, so charged with emotion his voice has made me cry without realising it. I shudder a little, fighting the feeling that I shouldn't be here. It feels too intimate, like I'm reading someone else's diary. I wipe my eyes quickly with a paper napkin from the bar.

"You ok hun?" the girl behind the bar leans over and asks. I nod without looking up, embarrassed. This was such a mistake. I glance up, looking around for Beth, horrified at the thought of her seeing me here, in such an intimate moment for them both. This is their world, not mine.

"I'm fine," I smile at the girl, " but I think I should probably go, do you have a phone somewhere I could use?"

"Sure, over by the bathroom," she points across to the other side of the bar. I nod and smile in thanks and slide off my stool.

..... my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass

Eddie's voice follows me like a ghost, surrounding me as I walk. I keep my head down, threading my way through the sparse crowd at the back of the room.

.... washed in black

The song is a beautiful torture, the longing in his voice driving a stake straight through me, permeating my gut and forcing me to feel, real, visceral pain. Weaving through the silent crowd is eery, as though I'm walking into a church of mourners. My chest aches as I push ahead.

...All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black

Halfway to the phone something compels me, an invisible thread in his voice is pulling me to look, like a siren call. I stop walking and turn to face the stage, allowing the music to crash over me, like diving headfirst into a wave. I look at the rows of people in front of me and stand up on tip toe, to try and find him. In the centre of the stage I see him, straight ahead. He lifts his head and opens his eyes. It seems like he finds me in the crowd and looks straight at me and into my soul.

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why
Why
Why can't it be
Oh can't it be mine

The invisible thread connects us as he cries out, throwing the phrases at me, shaking his head violently. 

We, we, we belong together, together
We, we, we belong together.

His words fade and he drops his gaze, releasing me as the music ends. The crowd erupts and I finally exhale. My hands are shaking. Eddie looks up, the mask of pain he was wearing seconds earlier apparently forgotten. I begin to doubt that he even saw me but then he smiles slowly, the corners of his perfect mouth curling up, and he catches my eye again, gazing at me across the sea of people. Around me I see a hundred faces as heads turn to me, people gradually beginning to crane their necks to see who he's looking at. Eddie presses his lips to the microphone.

"Hi Sam," he announces to the room with a smirk.

My cheeks burst into flame. Fortunately, he doesn't say anything else, just grins his megawatt smile, plus bonus dimple. I glance over to Stone who waves while laughing. With any chance of sneaking out gone I turn and walk back to my seat at the bar.