"𝗪𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝗴𝗲𝘀" - 𝗞𝘂𝗿𝗼𝗸𝗲𝗻

"Page 16"

🛸Song recommendation:
The Wisp Sings - Winter Aid

- about two years earlier -

When the diagnosis came, Kenma couldn't move.
He remembered just sitting there, staring at the wall, while his mother started crying and his dad hugged him so hard it hurt.

He had cancer. Kindney cancer.
He was fifteen.
And maybe his life would be over soon.

Kenma had never been really scared of dying, but he had never really thought about it either.
He was supposed to grow old and live a life before leaving this world.
But now, the chances were low.

The panic came when he was at home again, alone in his room. The hours before had felt like a dream, faded voices and distant sounds.
But here, in his room, it had felt real.

He didn't want to die. There was so much he still wanted to do.

But there were so many things he'd maybe never get the chance to, so he had to choose wisely.
He knew he should spend the time with his loved one's, be outside and experience life.

Somehow he couldn't. His parents had changed jobs recently and had now decided to move - for work and a better hospital.

Kenma knew he should have told Kuroo.
But he couldn't stand it, couldn't imagine surviving the look on his face and the tears that would flow.

He loved this boy with all his heart. And Kenma would have given everything for him.

So he gave the happiness he had left.

Two years later, he'd see it was a mistake and had hurt Kuroo more than he had thought it would.

Back then, it felt like giving Kuroo freedom and a life he could never have with Kenma.

It took too long to get over the breakup. Even though it was his decision, it was the hardest thing he had ever done.

To be exact, he never really got over it.
He spent too many nights dreaming about Kuroo and crying about the life they could have had.

At daytime, between check-ups and chemotheraphy there wasn't much space to think.

His whole day was filled with doctors and hospitals, pills and endless waiting for new results.

There was no possibility for him to do anything - and he was far too weak for things he had once enjoyed, like volleyball.

He still watched Kuroo's games though.
The first night Kenma had really stayed in the hospital, he had sat in front of the TV in his thin nightgown, freezing and a thousand blinking lights around him.
But he just couldn't miss a single game.

The weeks and months he spent in the hospital, watching Kuroo was the hilight of his day, even when he was so far and it reminded him of the future he could never have.

Still, when Kuroo smiled into the camera his heart stopped and he felt like everything around him including the tumor disappeared for a second.

For a moment, he felt at peace, before the world came crashing down on him again.

After a while, Kenma became more comfortable with the thought of dying.
Talking about it every day and being confronted about it by doctors made it become normal reality.

He was probably going to die.
And that would be okay, as long as Kuroo was happy.

The truth though was, that it was all too much.
The hospital, not being able to do anything, the endless theraphy, his parents crying, being shut off from the rest of the world and chained to his bed.

For a time, Kenma wished for death to come sooner.
He knew it was a stupid thought, but it was burned into his skin and he felt guilty everytime he looked at his parents.

Still, it would have been a relief to die.
Living seemed so hard to do and there was no one and nothing he looked forward to.
He had given up his hopes to ever see Kuroo again.

Resting quickly turned into sleepless nights and lost hope, panic into anxiety and the hollow feeling ate trough his body until it was one lonely, dark hole.

So when a few months later he got told that the cancer was gone, he didn't feel anything.
There was nothing left to feel.
Maybe a bit of disappointment and regret, because he had to give up everything he had ever liked about his life.

He had survived cancer.
Every single doctor told him he should be proud and happy.

But the boy, which walked out of the hospital, didn't feel happy at all.
All he had was a broken heart, no hope and no will to live.

Maybe Kenma had beaten cancer but cancer had broken him long before that.