Misery Needs Company

Wrong With Me

I'm starting to feel like I deserve this.
And I might not ever know what the hell I ever did.
I'm still not even sure about where I went wrong,
But I feel like I was meant for loneliness all along.
And it hurts so deep I don't think it can heal.
All I know for sure is that I wish this life thing wasn't real.
I don't even know how my heart still functions.
But it starts beating out of my chest every time I try to say something.
And how can I trust someone else,
When I can't even trust myself?
I ruin everything that could be good for me.
And I know that I do that but I do it anyway continuously.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
And when the fuck did I become this way?
I self sabotage everything that feels like happiness.
And I can't seem to understand why I'll never understand the point of it.
I guess it all just seems pointless in the end.
I don't try to push away love.
But I think my heart knows that I'll just end up fucking it up.
Maybe I'm subconsciously protecting myself from the inevitable.
'Cause everyone that's ever held me close, always let me go.
And maybe I'm not ready to be let go of again.
So I distance my heart and push away every hand.
I guess I'll never understand.
But does that have to mean that I deserve to still be in so much pain?
'Cause if I do everything right then why the fuck is there so many things wrong with me?
So I guess it's all just pointless in the end.
And if that's the truth,
then I'd rather end it soon.
'Cause I've been waiting 3 whole decades now
And I can't even get a sign from the universe saying that's it's worth the pain to keep waiting around.
Maybe it's just me and I really wasn't meant to be happy.
And I don't even know how I let this fucking happen.
But maybe I deserve everything.
'Cause I can't seem to figure out what the fuck is so wrong with me.